It's a New Year - Part I: [Wonderland: Back in Time] & It's a New Year - Part II: [... Out of Wonderland]

It's a New Year - Part 1: [Wonderland: Back in Time] 

  

"I found myself in Wonderland
Get back on my feet, on the ground
Is this real?
Is this pretend?
I'll take a stand until the end"

I’m back. And it’s a New Year --

     That’s one thing I’ve never done… was set ‘the date’ - set the date of when a New Year begins - or even ends...
     Everyday is a New Year - Everyday is a New Beginning, a fresh start, a "personal-rebirth"… Why wait until the Eve of January 1st for? When all you have to do? Is just wake-up to tomorrow …and let your life and yourself begin again.

     Where have I been all this time? I actually have been doing some time-traveling - traveling through time... I’ve gone back into the past [while “technically/physically” living in the present], but nonetheless, I got the chance to go back in time --
     
I went back in time to a place that I have been avoiding my entire life -- a place that I never understood, a place that I was scared to understand… And now that I’m back in present time? I don’t think that I ever want to go back… at least not back to the deep end.
      You’re probably asking yourself what I’m talking about? Why am I talking about "Time-Travel" for? Lets just say that it’s not exactly how it happened, but it is how it felt…


     [Once again, I try not to get too personal on here or put myself out there too much -- but I believe that that’s what Blogging is all about -- It’s about opening yourself up to a certain extent and sharing your life or life experience/story to make some sort of impact -- hopefully a positive impact on the world or at least on someone.]

Anyway - my point and what I’m trying to get at is that... [and even though I am against labeling myself and other people] - ...I’m a gay dude -- I went from being straight to bisexual to a gay dude - but not your typical gay-dude. Most of the time I feel like I’m a straight guy in a gay guy’s body. I’m not getting into detail or specifics, but all I'm saying is that I haven't changed, I'm still a man and I'm still the same person that I've always been. All being gay is - is liking the same sex as yourself [and no it is not a choice, but I'm cool with it and always have been]. -- So I will end that point there and get to my story... And hopefully you will catch on and understand what I’m talking about because I really can’t get into specific details. That’s one thing I’ve learned  in ‘Wonderland’  ...never say too much -- 


 [Code: ‘WonderLand’ = ‘The Gay World’]

"I'm freaking out Where am I now?
Upside down and I can't stop it now"

"I'll get by
I'll survive
When the world's crashing down
When I fall and hit the ground
I will turn myself around
Don't you try to stop me"

 
It was just my time -- I should have done it years ago when I was younger... I think it would have been best for me back then. That’s what I mean by ‘Time-Travel’ I went to a place that I should have gone to in the past - but instead I waited until my future and here it is now, present-time, and… lets just say that I’ve learned a lot... and sadly enough... That fear that I had? How I was scared to jump into that 'rabbit-hole' before? Scared to enter 'Wonderland'? My fears and concerns and what I was weary about my entire life? Well, Unfortunaley… they all came true ...for the most part anyway. 

[And again, I know I repeat myself in most of my Blogs, but I like to stay firm and clear, but I will not get into specific details… it’s not my place to talk about people and specific places in a Personal Blog that the entire world can see.. So I won’t -- but again just try to understand what I’m acknowledging and talking about here].

     Alice in, Alice in Wonderland, and myself, ironically, relate in so many ways. Even though I’m a dude and she’s a chick, it has nothing to do with that aspect - it all has to do with being human and life-experience -- It's all about entering a New Chapter in your life, a New Beginning, a New World… And that’s exactly what Alice did… She fell down a rabbit- hole to find herself entering this new way of life -- this place that she has always dreamed about going to -- this place that she always wanted to go, but deep down she feared it ...and in the end? It beat her up and chased her out... (at least in the Walt Disney/Movie version it did). And In the updated/recent movie version, directed by, Tim Burton, she went back to Wonderland and fought for who she was and what she believed in and who she wanted to be... she fought and she battled and stood-up for herself and in the end? She won that battle to the death ("fight to the death" - The Godfather) 
     And this whole scenario? This whole fairytale? This book? This movie? This whole 'Alice in Wonderland' ? It’s not a pretend place… it's real -- its called: LIFE… We all have our own versions of the story… our own experiences in new places -- good places, dark places, places that will make a positive impact on our lives and change us forever and for the good, and places that will haunt us and shake our souls, places that we will never want to go back to again, places that we can only dream to go back to again… This is LIFE and what experiencing and living  life is all about...

And once you experience your own Wonderland? Make sure you’ve leaned from it, make sure that before you enter it that you're prepared and ready for it. You can’t be naive... because in the end? Wonderland will win... and you can’t let that happen or you won't survive in life...  -- I didn’t let it happen to me and I won’t ...and I never will.
 
And again - it’s a New Year [a new day] and I’m ready for whats to come. I’m more than ready for it - I’ve waited my entire life to be as strong as I am today... And the fact is that I didn’t wait for it... I built myself to be this way, it just took time and that’s ok - I’m here now...


One of the best episodes of any tv-show, in my opinion, was the show: Felicity, and the episode was a two part episode called: 'Back to the Future' and then 'Time Will Tell' - I think it was the final episode of the series, I can’t remember, but this episode always stood-out to me. It’s all about Time-Travel and going back into the past to change the mistalkes that you’ve made and to see how your life would be if you made different chocies. This episode has the same idea and premesis as the movie: The Butterfly Effect , which is also one of my favorite movies of all time.  [I will try to find a few good scenes from the Felicity episode to share with you when I get the chance and from The Butterfly Effect.]  

 

This whole Time-Traveling notion that I’m talking about so much is just really how my life over the past few months has felt like. I feel like I made a choice to re-live a certain part of my life again and to make a different choice that I should/could have made in the past. And now that I've entered this New Place, this Wonderland... I now have a new perspective on life and how I will live my life from here on out…


 

Part 2: ... Out of Wonderland

 




 "I wouldn't wanna have it any other way
I'm addicted and I just can't get enough
I can't come down so please come help me out
You got me feelin high and I can't step off this cloud"
  When I heard this song, 'Just Can't Get Enough' by Fergie and The Black Eyed Peas,  I instantly connected to it - this song is deep and I like the beat and this song is how I feel about life... I’m addicted and I just can’t get enough. I have such a strong, powerful passion for life, I really do. I’m a very deep person and I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not... - but I’m still here aren’t I?
      I think a lot... sometimes I think too much and it almost destroys me half the time - But I think that’s why I’m a Writer... Writing is my release, writing is my internal- adrenaline that keeps my thoughts moving in and out of me...  its my therapy. Writing is my life… And I feel very fortunate to connect with this part of myself because the reality is? Writing keeps me alive. 
     When times get tough and I feel like there's no way out? This is where I turn to… And even though I always get off topic, just like I am right now… at least I can say that I have a mind, I have a soul, I have a backbone... because that’s another thing that I learned while I was in Wonderland… most people don’t --

[ I know that a lot of my Blogs are dark and I’m not a dark person at all, but unfortunately it’s the darkness that follows me wherever I go... and when I write I feel myself looking back in time and just learning and growing from it all -- ]

"Hey oh hey oh hey

Let’s take the whole world on a ride

It's a new generation...

- Of party people

Now, get on the floor

Get on the floor"

 

This song is what I started my New Years Eve night with and it's been a total inspiration to me and the way that I live my life. This song to me has really nothing to do with dancing. The way that I interpreted the song was that it's about life and how you should approach life. "Let's take the whole world on a ride" ? What that means to me is that it's about being powerful and taking a stand, TAKE THE WHOLE WORLD ON A RIDE, BE A LEADER, NOT A FOLLOWER! Be hard, be tough, be who you really are and you will eventually take the world by storm. And "its a new generation... of party people" means that its a new day, a new year, step it up! Take a stand and have fun, live your life - "the floor" in this song is LIFE, step it up and get on the floor, step it up in life, live life,  your life - "get on the floor!" --

Jennifer Lopez featuring Pit Bull, On The Floor - Track/Music-Video -->

What did I learn now that I’m back and out of Wonderland? - I’ve learned that it’s hard to get close to someone... It’s hard to trust someone and trust people... It's hard to really open-up and let yourself go... because you can get so lost in it all -- get lost in the world -- get lost in people -- get lost in life ---   get lost in 'Wonderland'...

I’ve learned that the world does keep moving though... and you just have to keep on moving with it or you will fall off… And if you do fall off? It’s ok... as long as you find your way back again ...and come back as an even more brave person than before.

Will I ever go back to Wonderland? Ironically -- my answer is: yeah I will. Because all Wonderland is... its a new place and I have a whole life ahead of me with hundreds of new places waiting for me. And also I say: yeah I will,  because I acknowledge that Wonderland is also just a place,  literally just a place, that you can go in and out of... - I will go back to be around the few decent people that I have encountered and hopefully I will encounter more decent people and learn from everyone I do meet in my life... and hopefully at the same time make some new solid-friendships and relationships -- And next time around and the next time I go back? Or the next time I enter a new Wonderland? I'll make sure that I stay away from the deep end... and the dark side of it all.. the deep and dark side of...    My Wonderland --

"I found myself in Wonderland
Get back on my feet, on the ground
Is this real?
Is this pretend?
I'll take a stand until the end
  I'll get by
I'll survive
When the world's crashing down
When I fall and hit the ground
I will turn myself around"