- Everybody’s Fool –

- Everybody’s Fool –

   

“ I have something in my head… that no-one can describe - it's extra terrestrial and outta this world, that's why I'm different and that's why I never try to fit-in, I stand out - I'm one of a kind - always and forever.”

     This blog came to me out of inspiration from a music-video by, Amy Lee, who is known from the band, Evanescence, and the song is called: ‘Everybody’s Fool’. I’ve seen the music-video years ago and never thought anything of it and didn’t understand the meaning behind it because I was so young. Now, after watching the music-video several times and listening to the lyrics – I get it now,  and it scares me… scares me because I see myself in the music-video – watching it is like looking into a mirror – I relate to it and to the entire concept of what is going on in it. How I always have the constant need to please everyone around me. Most people see me for something that I’m not… because of my appearance or something-else… and they expect me to be this person that I’m not. They expect me to be this perfect person, this perfect person that always has to do the right thing and to be this image and this person that I’m not and never will be. It’s like if I make one wrong move… my whole world will fall apart, in their eyes anyway...

     

      I’m tired of being that person, and tired of being seen as that person -  and I’m tired of pretending to be that person… I’m not some fake-robot who is going to live my life by what other people say about me or by doing what other people tell me to do or what other people expect me to do and be… I’m done. Even though I never really went along with it, I’ve always been myself, I’ve always been real - real about who I am and real about how I feel - but for some reason I always end up doing things and end up living my life by other people’s standards and expectations while, deep down, at the same time I know who I am and what I want out of life… and from here on out, just like I have been, I’m going to keep on standing-up for myself as much as I can and take control - because I am who I am and I will not change for anyone. I live my life my way and no-one Is going to take that away from me… I’ve been everybody’s fool for so long… But not this time around - not anymore…

“That never was and never will be… Have you no shame? Don't you see me?
You know you've got everybody fooled.”

 

“Look, here she comes now… Bow down and stare in wonder. Oh how we love you… No flaws when you're pretending.”

“It never was and never will be. You're not real and you can't save me. Somehow now you're everybody's fool.”

And that’s how I feel… especially the line:  “Look, here she comes now… Bow down and stare in wonder. Oh how we love you… No flaws when you're pretending.” That’s how I feel around most of the people in my life… Look here I come now… Oh how they love me - I have to be this perfect person that I’m not just so they can always see this sexed-up image that they want to see when they look at me - when the whole time, inside and out, I’m full of flaws and when they see that… it disappoints them so I keep showing them and giving them what they want – when the whole time I’m hurting inside...

    

[And I’m not talking myself-up here – I’m literally going by what people say to me – how they treat me and what I see and what I have been through with most people. I don’t want to get too personal on here and give exact details – but this is how it is and this is what I go through almost every day.]

Most people think I’m just some dumb-meathead who just goes to the gym or that I’m just some pretty-boy who only cares about how he looks… when the whole time… I’m not – they’re just going by what they want to see. I am the exact opposite of what people take me to be. I have a lot to offer this world and I think that I have proved that with what I write on here. Not that I need to prove myself to anyone - because I don’t – but I just feel that people should start seeing me for who I really am because that’s all that I have been and that’s all that I ever will be... 

   

      I look at myself in the mirror and I see this nice guy, this genuinely nice guy… who’s smart, and who has a lot of wisdom and knowledge about things in the world and about people and about love and so much more. I’m very opinionated but I don’t judge anyone. I treat everyone the way that they should be treated and I treat people the way that they treat me. And all that I ask for is for some respect back and loyalty and trust… Those 3 words right there [trust, respect, and loyalty] - I have tattooed on my forearm in Japanese - because that’s exactly what I expect from people and that’s exactly who I am as a person and that’s what I live by...

TRUST – RESPECT - LOYALTY

I’m a very real person, sometimes too real and too upfront that people get scared of it and accuse me of being fake because maybe they have never been around someone that honest before? – I don’t’ know. I’ve always done my own thing, I am extremely independent and I never do what other people tell me to - even though in the past I have - and I’m paying the consequences for that now... and big time… I surround myself with and attract bad people for some reason and that makes me so angry inside. There are people in my life that watch and examine every move that I make and criticize me for it and criticize everything that I do. I feel like I’m always under a microscope - and that makes me anxious and nervous and belated… and it drives me crazy sometimes. So I am left with nothing else to do but act and be who they want me to be just to get them off my back and make them happy.

These blogs that I have been writing are mostly about my past, even if the past means just last week or just last month - or even yesterday. The point is,  I’m moving on now and letting go... letting go of everything and everyone who is negative around me, no matter who they are. No-one can tell me what to do and tell me how to live my life and no-one can judge me. Only Myself and God can judge me.

<----- thats what THEY want all the time     / thats who I REALLY am ----->

“Love me, hate me, say what you want about me - but can't you see what I see?”

This video by Britney Spears is another great example of how I feel and what I’ve been though in my own life. The song is called: ‘If You Seek Amy’. It’s about living a double-life and how this woman played by Britney Spears has to act like different people to please everyone around her. She goes from house-wife to a sexed-up woman. And the lyrics: “Love me, hate me, say what you want about me - But can't you see what I see? All of the boys and all of the girls are begging to If You Seek Amy” ... IF – YOU – SEEK – AMY… is CODE for ‘FUCK ME’ [it was all over the tabloids/news etc. look it up] – but what the song is saying is that everyone wants to sex this woman up – but will they want to once they know who she really is…” Watch the video!

THIS IS EXACTLY HOW I FEEL MOST OF THE TIME – THIS IS IT RIGHT HERE! [That no-one really listens to what I have to say or wants to really know who I am and what’s on the inside] ->

“And when I tell them how I feel it’s like they hear me – but they’re really not listening… they’re hearing what they want to hear, they’re not really listening to what I’m telling them… and it’s bad and I’m sad…” – Britney Spears/For the record

I’m done with having that constant need to please everyone in my life. That part of my life is over - even though I’m still fighting it every day and dealing with it every day – I’m done. I will beat this and no-one will bring me down with them. I need to just stand-up and fight, fight for what I want and just be who I am as a person and be who I want to be. And if people want to be in my life and appreciate and respect that and who I really am – then they can do that - and if they don’t they can simply fuck off. I’m not dealing with other peoples bullshit anymore. The door is shut on that part of my life. I don’t care if you’re the President or even the Pope – if you don’t respect me then don’t expect me to respect you back. And that’s how I live my life – I give what I get.

“People can take everything away from you
But they can never take away your truth
But the question is..
Can you handle mine?

They say I'm crazy
I really don't care
That's my prerogative
They say I'm nasty
But I don't give a damn
Some ask me questions
Why am I so real?

Trying hard to make it right
Not long ago
Before I won this fight

Everybody's talking all this stuff about me
Why don't they just let me live?
I don't need permission, make my own decisions
That's my prerogative

It's the way that I wanna live (it's my prerogative)
You can’tt tell me what to do

Don't get me wrong
I'm really not souped
Ego trips is not my thing
All these strange relationships really gets me down


Everybody's talking all this stuff about me
Why don't they just let me live?
I don't need permission, make my own decisions
That's my prerogative

why can't I live my life
without all of the things
That people say “

     I don’t want to go into extreme detail with what I have been through with people in my life but as sad as it is… I’ve had [and still do] people tell me how I should dress to who I should be, to who I should date – telling me what makes me happy. And - the saddest thing of all is that these are the same people that tell me that they love me and want to be with me and how they think I’m sexy and unique and how amazing I am and how they never want to let me ago… and then [again] they disappoint me by judging me and watching every move that I make and watch me fall and don’t have any respect for who I am as a person. They don’t show interest in my dreams and in my goals and how I look at life – all they want is that perfect image and to use me to get what they want  - whether their after me because of the way that I look in their eyes or for sex or for whatever other reason. They don’t want to get close and find out what’s on the inside, what’s going on in my mind… they want to control me and use me and pretend to care. And I’m done pretending and I’m done being controlled and I’m done being deceived and disrespected because I’m not… Everybody’s Fool.

“You'd be surprised how interesting people become when they think you're really stupid.” [one of my favorite quotes from one of my favorite movies of all time]  – Disturbing Behavior

People can take everything away from you
But they can never take away your truth

- My happy ending -

- My happy ending –

“I can't tell you what it really is, I can only tell you what it feels like.”

      I’m tired. I’m physically, mentally, and emotionally – …tired. Tired of being/getting disappointed and having people disappoint me and let me down – especially people that I have dated and have been in relationships with – I’m tired. I’m tired of the game - and tired of playing the game – the game of dating and finding someone who’s real. I just want to find that person – that one person that doesn’t let me down – that one person that has my back - while I have theirs. That one person that really means what they say - the one that I won’t have to close the door on – the one that I can say: “I’m in-love with you” to, and actually mean it and feel it. The one that I can trust and have respect for and who can trust and respect me right back. The one that I can keep and who I can say is mine. The one who will be there for me, from the beginning - and through the bad and through the good and until the end. But this time around… I don’t want there to be an end…

     I have to say one thing though - I’ve been very lucky with the relationships in my life – I have, I have dated some amazing people. People who changed me and my life for the good – but then again, they have also have had a negative impact on my life which is why I let them go – but still – I find myself to have been lucky. I’ve dated a lot of people in my life – but as for serious-relationships… I’ve had 4 long-term, serious relationships. I’ve been in-love  3 times – well… at least I thought I have. I’ve had a lot of people that I’ve dated say that they loved me and I have said that I loved them back – but looking back now – I’m not sure if I really did. In the moment, yeah – but, now as I look back at the relationships – I don’t think that I did love them or was in-love with them. I think that there is a big difference from saying I love you to someone to actually being in-love with someone. I’m not saying that I didn’t love them back – I’m just not sure if I was really ever in-love with anyone or if I knew what being in-love was back at the time.

     Again – I’ve been in 4 very serious relationships in my life. The first real relationship, I was 18, and the relationship lasted for 5 months. The 2^nd -  I was 19 and it lasted 1 year and a ½ - The 3^rd - I was 20 and it lasted for 3 years until I was 23, and the last serious relationship that I was in – I was 23 and it lasted about a year and a1/2. The longest relationship that I was in was the one when I was 20 – the one that lasted 3 years,   and I ended up engaged for half of that relationship. The point of me telling you all of this is because of the fact that I’ve been there – I’ve been through it all when it comes to relationships. The hard-times, the good-times, the bad-times, the amazing-times, the times that give you butterflies and chills all over your body, and the times that I was in-love – or at least I thought I was…

      Something always goes wrong. Something about the person that I’m with always disappoints me, something changes and I end up letting them go. I either pack my bags and leave or I tell them how I really feel and that I’m not happy and walk away and leave them. At the time – looking back -  I didn’t do it to be cold or to be cold-hearted – it was just what I needed to do at the time – I needed to do it for myself – I needed to leave -  and that’s all that mattered to me at the moment and at the end – …was my own happiness and if I was happy in the relationship or not – and if I wasn’t… I would leave them – while at the same time,  all that I ever wanted was… my happy ending…

“Don't leave me hanging in a city so dead. Held up so high on such a breakable thread.”

“You were all the things I thought I knew. And I thought we could be.”

“You were everything that I wanted. We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it…”

“It's nice to know that you were there - thanks for acting like you cared.  It's nice to know we had it all - thanks for watching as I fall.”

     That first relationship that I was in when I was 18 – I was just a kid and I was dating someone who was a lot older than me who took advantage of me because I was young, naive and stupid. It wasn’t a bad relationship and I didn’t end things in a bad place. And even though we had our rough times – this relationship actually changed my life and helped me grow-up and helped me become the person that I am today. And looking back at all of my relationships now as an adult – I look back and I realize that I’ve learned something from all of them. I don’t regret anything – but I’ve learned from the past and my past-relationships,  – hearts were broken, mistakes were made – but lessons were learned… and I will never forget any of it…

“You've got your dark friends - I know what they say…They tell you I'm difficult -
But so are they… But they don't know me - Do they even know you?”

     I’m not going to get into detail about every relationship that I have been in – and when I say I was disappointed in the people that I’ve dated,  I mean I was betrayed, not in the sense of being unfaithful – I have never been cheated on and I have never cheated on anyone – but what I mean is that… they changed – and they told me lies and broke promises and turned their backs on me when I needed them the most – and that’s what I mean by how people disappoint me – by not being honest and upfront – not having my back and not having respect for me or being loyal to me in that way.

“Notice me, take my hand… Why are we strangers when

our love is strong?”

      And you’re probably wondering how I couldn’t be in-love with someone who I was engaged to… I did love this person – I did. But over time – things changed – and not even for the worse – we just grew – we grew-up and changed as people. And even though we were engaged  at the time and we are supposed to stay together and work through the hard-times… The fact of the matter was – this person that I was engaged to turned into this dark person – this negative person – into someone that I didn’t know anymore and who I didn’t want to know anymore. This person wasn’t the person that I met and wasn’t the person that I fell for and I just couldn’t take it anyone – I wouldn’t let this person’s negativity bleed into me – so I left. And even thought this person will always have a place in my heart – it wasn’t meant to be and I’m okay with that now. I’ve grown-up and I’ve changed and I want more – … and I won’t settle for just anything and anyone less than that - less than what I deserve and want…

“I love the way you lie.”

     Looking back -, again,  I’ve been very lucky with love and relationships – maybe that’s because I never knew anything different – I’ve always been in a relationship and I don’t know how to be single. And now that I’m single today and have been single for over a year, [I’ve been on some dates, but nothing serious or at least not from my end of it]  – I feel like it’s hard for me to open up and get close with someone now. And now that I’m single - I feel lost because I’ve always been with someone. I don’t need to be with someone and I know I’m young and I know that that person will find me – but sometimes I really think about it... and what it really feels like – and it feels lonely sometimes. I just like being with someone – I do – I like having that someone by my side and having that person experience life with me. And having someone to talk to at night and having someone to tell my dreams to and share my life experiences with . That’s what life is about to me – even though it scares me sometimes – that’s what life is about, sharing it with someone and getting close with someone…

“You ever love somebody so much you can barely breathe
when you’re with them? You meet and neither one of you even know what hit them? Got that warm fuzzy feeling - Yeah them chills – you used to get them.
Now you're getting fuckin' sick of lookin' at them.”

“But when it's bad it's awful - So they say it's best to go your separate ways.”

       I’ve been in some Heated relationships. Intense relationships. Powerful relationships. Passionate relationships – and looking back – I miss that - I do – I miss that a lot… The way we would fight and throw each other up against walls and yell at each other and show each other how much we hated each other while at the same time how much we loved each other and cared for each other… But the real reason that I leave relationships isn’t because of the fights – it’s because of inner-betrayal, what’s going on… on the inside, inside of the mind. When the person that you think you can trust the most… deceives you by turning into someone else – not turning out to be the person that I met… and who doesn’t want to understand me because they’re selfish and scared to get real and get close with me…[I know I have done the same thing in the past, but at least I was upfront about it and told that person how I felt.] And that’s what I want this time around – I want the fighting – the hate, the love and to really be in-love – I want the aggression, the compassion and  this time I want someone to have my back for the long road ahead and stay by my side – take my hand. I want my soul-mate – my best-friend – someone who’s real and who isn’t afraid to be real with me, who understands me, someone who gives me chills, and makes me sweat and who can talk about sex and get intimate and deep with me – I want that... I want that feeling, I want that person, I want it all, I want…  – my happy ending…

 

  

“And no one likes to be alone…”

Yellow Brick Road...

Yellow Brick Road…

What is home anyway? Is it just the place that you live in? Just a building? A structure with 4 walls and a roof up above? The place that keeps you warm at night? The place that you feel the most comfortable and the most safe in? The place where you are surrounded by the people that love you and respect you?  I never really knew what home was…  I thought I did - I thought that some of the places that I lived in felt like home because I either grew-up there or because I was surrounded by a person/ people who said that they loved and respected me - I thought that was home at the time… But I guess I was wrong…

     For most of my young-adult life and for most of my adult life - I have always been in a relationship. Now - for the first time in my life, since I was about 17,  - I’m single and I have been for over a year now. Yeah - I have met some people - I have gone on dates - dated some good people and dated some bad people or people who have disappointed me.  Looking back into the past - I have always had someone to come home to - someone who had my back - someone by my side - and having just that itself felt like home. Now - being single for over a year - I don’t have that -  I don’t come home at night to someone in bed to sleep next to or someone to talk to when I can’t fall asleep or want someone to talk to.  I feel like I should blame myself for that one because – I always seem to close the door – shut the people who love me out of my life so that I won't get hurt – but I'd end up hurting them – but I’m working on that. And the ironic thing about that is... as bad as I want the relationship and for the relationship to work... I'm always the one to end it and run away. And I know I’ve gone off topic with talking about relationships – but I feel like relationships and home are connected in some way. Being single for a year or so now – I’ve grown and I’ve learned from my past mistakes – past relationships – past heartaches and the damage that I have caused.  Now - I come home at night - lay in bed -  and look at the empty space next to me and it doesn’t feel right - something is missing - something feels wrong - this something is different - this something is lost - this feeling - this something…  isn’t home…

[Again - I will talk about and let you in on the relationships that I’ve had and what I’ve been through - what I think about love - but I will do that some other time because it’s a tough topic to talk about  - and relationships and love are a big part of who I am.]

“Love created me - but hatred made me” - I don’t know where I heard that line from - but I thought I would share it with you and I definitely can relate to it so I thought I would put that out there.

I’m not a needy person. I am extremely independent - I know who I am as a person 100% - but there’s just this part of me that likes to be in a relationship and be with someone - but I think that’s just being human - and having a heart.  I just feel like there’s something missing - it’s like I’m a full-puzzle - missing its one piece to make it complete. As lame as that sounds - its how I feel. And I feel like until I have that missing piece - no matter where I go - where I am - and who I’m with - I won’t feel at home without that missing part of me… that missing someone… and that feeling of home.

Home isn’t just a place or a feeling of completeness or to feel whole - but it’s a place to go back to. Even if you don’t know where home is at the moment - everyone has a place that they feel comforted - whether it’s the atmosphere of it all or even just someone that you’re with. Home can be a rock on the beach that you walk to every night and sit on to look at the ocean or to look up at the stars - Home can be the place that you grew-up - Home can be your childhood - your past - being surrounded by your childhood friends. Home can just be a memory - a memory of a place where you’re the most happy.

One of my favorite TV shows to watch as a teenager and still is to this day is: ‘Dawson’s Creek’ which was written and created by Kevin Williamson - who is one of my favorite writers and  is one of the best writers of our time in my opinion. If you don’t know what ‘Dawson’s Creek’ is about - it’s about a group of friends who grow up together and who have each other’s backs while at the same time deceive each other - but in the end… they always come back to each other . They come back to what matters to them the most - which is each other.  They come back to what’s real - come back to what made them who they are as adults… come back to the place where it all started… home…

Down below I’m going to share probably one of the best scenes in television in my opinion. It’s from Dawson’s Creek and  the scene starts in Dawson’s bedroom (Dawson played by James Van Der Beek) and his childhood friend/soul-mate Joey [Joey Potter played by Katie Holmes]. It’s an incredible scene and you will agree or appreciate this scene more if you’ve been a fan of the show over the years. What’s going on here in this scene is Dawson and Joey have just seen each other for the first time after some time has passed after being away at college for so long and over time things change, people change, lives change… But the great theme and point of this scene is that no matter how much time goes by - you can always go back to the people who were there from the beginning and back to the place  that helped make you who you are, back to the place where your life began and back to the place that again feels  like home…

[WATCH FROM 15 SECONDS IN ALL THE WAY TO 4:34]

Joey: "I always wanted to think that you were this hopeless dreamer and I was the adult that escaped. But I didn't escape anything, not really..."

Dawson: "Sure you did. You got out of Capeside. Wasn't that the original plan?"

Joey: "I couldn't escape myself, could I?..."

   This episode is entitled and called: ‘Yellow brick road’  - which was all about saying goodbye to the past - and moving on -  while at the same time going back home to where it all started - ‘coming full circle’.

A good song about this topic of home is a song by Avril Lavigne and the song is called: ‘Nobody’s home.’ Which is about a girl [played by Avril Lavigne in the music-video]  who feels lost and feels like she has no place to go when see needs help or someone to turn to. She feels secluded and isolated, scared… belated…

I’m going to post the music-video on here with some of the lyrics to the song under it for you guys. ->

“Well I couldn't tell you why she felt that way
She felt it everyday
And I couldn't help her
I just watched her make the same mistakes again

What's wrong, what’s wrong now?
Too many, too many problems

She wants to go home, but nobody's home
That's where she lies, broken inside
With no place to go, no place to go

Be strong, be strong now
Too many, too many problems

She wants to go home, but nobody's home
That's where she lies, broken inside
 
Her feelings she hides
Her dreams she can't find
She's losing her mind
She's fallen behind
She can't find her place
She's losing her faith
She's falling from grace
She's all over the place

She wants to go home, but nobody's home
That's where she lies, broken inside"

      I never really knew what home was… until it happened to me. I lived with 3 of my Exes [people I was in serious-relationships with over the years] and I  lived away for college for some time too and everytime something went wrong or didn't work out or if Christmas-break came or summer vacation hit – I went home. I went back to where it all started – where my life began and I went back to the people, back to my childhood-friends and back home to my parents and family who helped make me who I am today… And now that I just moved away again recently – and even though my new apartment doesn’t feel like home yet, and maybe it never will. At least now I know… looking back… I realize that I do have a home… a road to track my steps back in time – back to a place that I feel comforted and safe… back to my beginning… And even though I may feel lost sometimes and alone or get lost along the way – I’m lucky to know that I will always have a place to go… my Yellow Brick Road… my home...

Dawson: It's weird, huh? This room used to be the official meeting place where we'd discuss what happened that day. And now it's just a film set, and I don't even know what happened this year.

Joey: Yeah. I was kind of hoping I could just climb up the ladder and... magically fill in all the lost time.

Dawson: How's that working for you?

Joey: Not so easy.

Dawson: Yeah.

Joey: Maybe I was gone for too long.

Dawson: Well, we'll piece it together between the two of us then, right? The lost year of Dawson and Joey.

Joey: It wasn't easy.

Dawson: What wasn't?

Joey: Not talking to you.

Joey: Maybe being in this room makes it easier. Having it set up this way, you know, I'm so familiar, and... seems insane not to talk. And sometimes the hardest things to say are the things that... really matter.

Dawson: Hmm. Why do you think I've spent years trying to write an entire screenplay about you?

Joey: I read it in one sitting.

Dawson: Ok. I hope you don't think that I gave it to you so that you could just say all the obligatory nice things.

Joey: And why would I feel obligated?

Dawson: Exactly, because if I can't get an honest opinion from the girl who loathes me more than anyone else in the world, who can I trust, right?

Joey: You've always been this devilishly clever.

Dawson: Well... yeah. But... uh, I got--I got-- I wanted you to read it because... well, you're really the only person in the world who can tell me if I got it right this time.

Joey: You grew up, Dawson. You grew up. I always wanted to think that you were this hopeless dreamer and I was the adult that escaped. But I didn't escape anything, not really.

Dawson: Sure you did. You got out of Capeside. Wasn't that the original plan?

Joey: I couldn't escape myself, could I? You were right. So much of what I was fighting was growing up. And I figured out this past year that it's hard for me... to talk about sex, to talk about... getting close with someone. And maybe... I'm not supposed to lose myself. Now it's not part of the plan. But then again, I never thought that losing you was part of the plan, either.

Dawson: I think sometimes... you have to lose somebody completely before you can figure out what they really mean to you. I missed you, Jo.

Joey: You got it right this time, Dawson. I missed us.

“A house doesn't make a home.”

Redemption

Redemption

Redemption. Looking back at my life I’ve noticed that there has always been a time in my life that I needed to be redeemed and rescued. Now, in the present - I wish I could say that I don't need to be – but I do. When you think of redemption you think of  deliverance from sin; salvation or atonement for guilt - but that's not what I mean here. I haven't done anything wrong nor do I need forgiveness - I think that I just need to be rescued or have some kind of spiritual awakening.

 

“Who redeemeth thy life from destruction; who crowneth thee with loving-kindness and tender mercies.” - (Psalm 103:4)

“To open the blind eyes, to bring out the prisoners from the prison, and them that sit in darkness out of the prison house.” - (Isaiah 42:7)

“Those of us who were brought up as Christians and have lost our faith have retained the sense of sin without the saving belief in redemption. This poisons our thought and so paralyses us in action.” - Cyril  Connolly (English critic and editor)

“When a man undergoes treatment from a doctor, he does not need to know the way in which the drug works on his body in order to be cured. There is a sense in which Christianity is like that. At the heart of Christianity there is a mystery, but it is not the mystery of intellectual appreciation; it, the mystery of redemption.” - William Barclay

“The Spirit is Love expressed towards man as redeeming love, and the Spirit is truth, and the Spirit is the Holy Spirit. Redemption is inconceivable without truth and holiness. “ - Roland Allen

Up above are several quotes from the Bible itself, some of which, at this point/stage of my life and now looking back into my past – I feel that I can relate to them and understand  it all better now with the wisdom  that I have grown. I feel that the power of redemption can and will set me free and give me a new appreciation of life and it will help me to open my eyes and see the truth – the truth about life and the truth about myself.

I’m not the one to seek out for help or the kind of person to ask for help or ask to be rescued and saved – but sometimes – I feel like I need to be – I feel like I need to escape – escape reality, my reality and I believe the only way to do that is to accept and discover a new appreciation for life. I also feel that I won’t be able to be redeemed alone/by myself  – I feel like I need someone with me by my side to take this new journey with me – someone to have my back and who understands me, respects me, understands the way my mind works and understands how I look at life and what I want out of life. I truly believe that as a human, as a person, I believe that life, any life, is not worth living alone – I believe life is about having a companion, a soul-mate – someone to take your hand and walk the road and take the journey of life with you and to share that life with that person and that’s what life is to me – life is companionship – life is… camaraderie.

The quote:  “To open the blind eyes, to bring out the prisoners from the prison, and them that sit in darkness out of the prison house.” to me this is talking about being rescued – being released and taken away from  and taken out of darkness and the darkness of your life. This is what I relate to the most. I have seen and been to dark places – places that I never thought I’d see and never want to see and be at again in my life because they almost destroyed me. Darkness and negativity are two powerful things and they are both hard to escape – and I promised myself that I would never go back there – promised myself that I would never let them take power over me – they will never have me – they can try – but they will never have my soul. 

There’s a great line in the movie: ‘Gothika’ starring: Halle Berry, which is a movie about a doctor played by Halle who is possessed by darkness, a dark spirit that takes over her body and soul and no one believes her. She being a doctor herself – ironically is sent to an insane asylum to be treated for mental illness because no one believes her – no one believes that this dark spirit has taken over her – until the truth reveals itself at the end of the movie. This is a great movie that has a great theme about finding the truth – redemption and being set free from the darkness within.

The line/quote from the movie is acted out by actress: Penelope Cruz, and the line is: “he will never have my soul. Never.”

I will also share the entire scene/dialog with you below ->

Miranda [Halle Berry’s character]: “I need you to tell me who did this to you? Tell me his name,Chloe. Chloe, tell me. Tell me anything. Tell me.”

Chloe: I’ll tell you one thing: He can have my body, but he will

  never have my soul. Never.”

My darkness of course is/was in a different form of course – I wasn’t possessed by an evil/ dark spirit – it was more of a dark place that I let myself fall into and almost let take over me fully. Though I escaped it – it does present itself to me once and again – but I won’t let myself ever go back there and now I’m looking for a new kind of escape – a positive escape, a new journey – a journey to a place that will make and have a positive and spiritual impact on my life and on my soul.

BELOW IS THE SONG: 'Behind Blue Eyes' by Limp Bizkit and it was the theme song for the movie: 'Gothika' and the video I really feel catches the feel of the movie and it's a great song and I hope you guys like it. ->

What I’m trying to say – what I’m trying to explain is that – I need my own personal redemption in the sense of being set free – set free to a place that will change me for the better and help me grow more and learn – emotionally – physically – mentally – and spiritually.

I just feel like I need to pack my bags – pack my life and escape and take a long drive to California or something and stay out there for a while. Pack my life and start over – start a new beginning – a new chapter. I want to just wakeup and sit on a towel on a beach in San Diego, California and just lay there and look at the ocean or even just sit there and read a good book and do some writing and maybe even meet some new people. I just want to take some time to breathe – get my body at ease and my mind clear and focused and… free.

[And when I say I’ve been to dark places – I don’t mean physically – I’m not suicidal and I’m not a depressed or sad person – I just mean I’ve been surrounded by negativity and negative people that have torn me apart inside a little and I’ve just tried to understand why and how people can be so deceiving. I am full of life and sometimes it gets to me when I see people who aren’t and who dredge their negativity on other people – that makes me sad and concerned and I feel bad for them – and I let them bleed their negativity into me and it gets to me – especially when I myself have such a great passion for life.]

There is a movie that I use watch as a teenager and watching it now as an adult over and over again – I’ve recognized and now understand the true meaning of the story and what the purpose and message of the movie is. The movie is called: ‘Brokedown Palace’, Starring: Claire Danes. The plot is about two best friends who decide to take a trip to Thailand to celebrate high-school graduation. While there, they are befriended  and deceived by two Australian guys who convince them to take a weekend side trip to Hong Kong, but at the airport, they are busted for smuggling drugs – drugs in-which those two guys that they trusted sneaked into their backpacks. They are convicted in a show trial and sentenced to 33 years in prison – but only one of the best-friends has to stay in prison and the other is set free and it Is up to the two best-friends [Claire Danes and her co-star] to make this complicated decision.  This is definitely one of my favorite movies of all time – it’s all about life and the appreciation of life and friendship and what freedom really is.  

This is probably my favorite and the best quote/line from any movie that I have ever seen and it’s from the movie that I just talked about, Brokedown Palace:

“Cause that’s all freedom is ... an illusion. Like those birds in the market you think you are setting free, when the whole time they're trained to fly right back to their cages.”

 THE TRAILER FOR BROKEDOWN PALACE ->

Cause that’s all freedom is… an illusion. Don’t get me wrong – I love my life – I love everything about my life. I love myself and who I am as a person,  I love a lot of the people in my life and my close –friends who have stuck by me and who have had my back – and I love my family and my parents and my little sister and I love everyone who I’ve dated [have love for them/ not still in-love] – I’m not even sure if I’ve ever really been in-love either, looking back at my relationships and the people who I’ve dated at the time – I’ve said I love you to them, but I’m not sure if I was really in-love but -  that’s a completely different topic and I will talk about that some other time on here – but back to what I was saying… I love my life, I do – but I just feel like I need to escape and I’m sure everyone feels like that at least one time in their life – even if it’s just for a moment . I’m a very happy person – I always look for the upside of things and I always try to stay positive – but being human – I admit I have gone to some pretty dark places – and I just never want to go back there again and I won’t. I just need to find my escape – my place of freedom -   my redemption…..

 Again – my blogs are not going to be all about myself – but I feel that to start this off – I should let you in on my life and have you get to know me a little before I write about other things. And I would love to hear some feedback from you guys – opinions – questions and all that – so contact me and leave a comment below if you get the chance to. Thanks  – T.J./Tony

Do you feel like you need to escape - even if it’s just for a moment?

T.J. [Tony] Marino: The life - The mind - & what's on the inside

I would like to start this off and introduce myself by sharing a few of my favorite quotes about writers. I myself being a writer - I am fascinated, influenced, and inspired by many other writers out there and that's all it takes for me to start off my day... inspiration... I sit back with my cup of hot black coffee and read something that inspires me, makes me feel a certain way - which helps me long to become inspired - I crave it and I have admiration for other writers and their self-expression.

 


 

The role of a writer is not to say what we all can say, but what we are unable to say."  - Anais Nin

    
"And by the way, everything in life is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise.  The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt." - Sylvia Plath 


 

"Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart."  - William Wordsworth





  
"Easy reading is damn hard writing."  - Nathaniel Hawthorne





"To me, the greatest pleasure of writing is not what it's about, but the inner music the words make."  - Truman Capote





     
A writer and nothing else:  a man alone in a room with the English language, trying to get human feelings right.  - John K. Hutchen






To partake in expressing what it is or what if feels like and means to be a true writer, I myself will share my own personal quote with you on what writing is/means to me:





" Writing to me is more than just words on paper. Writing is a PLACE, a 'Zone', that I fall into that sucks the life out of me and when I come back out... the pieces of my soul are written right there in front of me." - [Myself] T.J./Tony Marino 




One of my favorite quotes, actually they are lyrics to a song by Bobby Brown, which was also covered by Britney Spears. The song is called: 'My Prerogative'. I'm not sure if this exact lyric/line was actually in the original Bobby Brown version, but it is in the updated/covered Britney Spears version and the line/lyric is:  "People can take everything away from you but,  they can never take away your truth. But the question is... Can you handle mine?" 


 

And that's what my blogs will be about... THE TRUTH - MY TRUTH. I want people to see the real me, the real T.J./Tony Marino and to see who I really am as a person. I want people to take- in a part of me and my life - my soul when they read what I write. I want people to get into my mind and get inside of me and get to know what I am all about as a person. 


   My blogs will not be all about myself, in the sense that all I will to be talking about is myself and that isn't the case. I will write about things such as: lyrics, short-stories, dreams, feelings, opinions, movies and books and people who have inspired me, and writers and just things that I see and hear, such as: the ocean or a great song that has inspired me or has had an impact on me and my life. That's what I want to do here. And to inspire someone myself along the way?...  that would make this journey even more worth it. 


  To say a few things about myself - I'm a 25 yr. old college student with a full-time job as a writer. I have not graduated yet due to the amount of money that I owe on college-loans from the last college that I went to. In the long-run I plan on going back to Salem State University and graduating with a Bachelors Degree with English as my Major and Creative Writing as my Minor and then hopefully get some of my work published down the road and make it big ["making it big" isn't what I'm after. Getting my work noticed and respected and making an impact with my voice is what matters to me.]

     
     I would like to write for television and movies one day. Write scripts and screenplays and then eventually become a well-respected author and get the novels/short-stories that I've been working on noticed and published one day. I have been working on a novel/script called: 'North Shore' for about 4 years now and I will tell you more about it some other time in a blog on here. I have 2 other novels that I have been working on as well, but they aren't as far along as 'North Shore' is. I also write lyrics and create albums and  I would love for one day to have a music-artist/ singer notice my work, as well as, sing my lyrics and hopefully even hear that song that I wrote for him/her on the radio. But yeah, my biggest dream is to write a great script for a big director or to be part of a team of writers for a television series or have one of my books published. And I will make that happen - That's just who I am. I'm a driven person who strives and is fueled by ambition. I want something that badly - I will make it happen and I will get it. 


  The biggest hold-back in my life... is people. I have let some bad people into my life who bring me down and they are hard to walk away from because in reality some of these people are my friends and my family - some are even strangers. This time around though, even though I am still struggling with their negativity - I try everyday not to let anyone stop me from doing what I want to do or stop me from  who I want to be. It's an everyday battle that I fight - but I will conquer that fight soon enough. I blame myself for that because I am a huge people-pleaser, I like for people to like me and I don't like to let anyone down, and I feel like everyone is watching me all the time and if I make one wrong move?... my whole world will fall apart. But again - I will win that battle. 


  This is probably one of my favorite quotes from any movie and it's also one of my favorite movies of all time. The movie is called: 'Abandon',  starring Katie Holmes. The movie is about this down-to-earth, girl-next-door, college-student who is smart and bright, has high sex-appeal, and has the constant need to please everyone around her til the point that it drives her literally insane. Well,another reason in the movie that she goes insane is because everyone in her life fucks her over and abandons her even though they love her. She attracts everyone to her "like bugs to a bug-lamp"  which is another line from the movie. That's what she does, she draws people into her life because she is easy to approach and to get along with [while at the same time she is vulnerable and naive] and they end up falling in-love with her. But these people that she attracts leave her because, in reality she is too good for them, too smart, too determined, too driven, and attractive/etc. ...  or SHE leaves them before they can leave her - Thus the movie being called 'Abandon'. And here's the quote that really gets to me and really hits close to home because what this character is going through in this movie and what she is saying about herself is how I feel a lot of the time. It's sad, but at the same time it makes me stronger and more driven to walk away from the bad/ negative people in my life and this makes me realize that the only person that I really need is... myself. 





 

Here's the quote, [it's actually an entire scene/dialog from the movie, but I will highlight the parts that I feel I relate to the most]:

Guy 1: Who are you? Where do you come from?  

Katie Burke [the main character of the movie played by Katie Holmes]: I grew up in the middle of no where, the home of Windell Wikie is 20 miles away and that's about it. My mom works in a bottling plant selling nutra-life products. My dad left when i was little, I never really knew him. 

Guy 2: Tell us about a problem you've encountered...

Katie: My guidance counselor tried to keep me from applying to good schools. I thought she was my friend. She said she understood me and that I would be happier staying close to home, Junior College or Secretarial School. She hated me...

Guy 2: And what action did you take? 

Katie: I invited a senator who attended here to speak at our school. 

Guy 2: And what was the result? 

Katie: I got a strong letter of recommendation from a U.S. senator, was accepted early decision and they gave me lots of financial aid.

Guy 2:  And what did you learn from this? 

Katie: Truthfully? 

Guy 1: of course...

Katie: Mrs.Castleman was a sneaky bitch. It was the first time I was betrayed by someone I trusted, I looked up to her. I didn't come close to understanding the depth to which she resented me. I learned that people who help me, who invest in me become my partners and that my success is their success, relationships are symbiotic. I learned responsibility based on others faith in me. I hope to be able to pay some dividends to those investors. 

 


TRAILER FOR THE MOVIE: ABANDON - Starring - Katie Holmes ->

 




This is an awesome/great movie and that scene is a really great scene - you have to watch the movie to really understand this scene and see what the character has been through and is going through. Basically she got fucked-over by the person that she trusted the most and she over-came that battle and became a successful college graduate and a successful business-woman by the end of the movie. Even though her character turns out to be a crazy lunatic at the end of the film - she is still a strong person who went through a lot in her life [such as coming from a broken-home and being fucked-over and abandoned by the people that she loved and trusted the most over and over again.]  but she  fought her way through it to become the successful person that she became.  

 [I will try to find the scene from the movie or even post a link for the entire movie on here for you soon]

  So basically that is my goal for this year and for the rest of my life - is to not let what negative people do or say to me have a negative affect on me and not to let people fuck me over and abandon me like the character was in the movie. I just need to  take care of myself and surround myself with good people because there are good people out there and I do have some good people in my life, I do, and they know who they are. So, the point of me connecting this movie and that quote/scene to what I'm trying to say is that - nothing will get in the way of my dreams/life and in the way of who I am and who I want to be.




This is my first blog on this site and I hope you understand me as a person so far and where I am coming from. I'm just a normal dude with a little something more to him that you wouldn't necessarily guess by my appearance I guess [?] Because most people just see me as a pretty- boy or a meathead/ tool or whatever-else that they call me/say about me -  And they do it because they're scared. Scared because they come to find out how real I really am and how honest I can be, so the negative people in my life put me down to make themselves feel better about themselves because of their own insecurities. But I'm drawing the line for that issue here - right now. That part of my life ends right now and it's time for me to man-up and stand-up for myself because nothing in this life is shy of my reach and no one will get in the way of that. 



Thanks for taking the time to read my first blog on this site. And I hope you stay with me for the rest of the journey to come
- T.J./Tony

   "And now that the scared little boy inside of me no longer follows me wherever I go, I miss him. I do. Because there are things that I wanna tell him... to relax, to lighten up, that it is all going to be ok. I want him to know that meeting people who like you, who understand you, who actually accept you for who you are, will become an increasingly rare occurrence. These people who contributed to who I am, they are with me wherever I go, and as history gets rewritten in small ways with each passing day, my love for them only grows. Because the truth is... it was the best of times. Mistakes were made, hearts were broken, harsh lessons learned, but all of that has receded into fond memory now. How does it happen? Why are we so quick to forget the bad and romanticize the good? Maybe it's because we need to believe that the time we spent together actually meant something, that we were there for each other in a time in our lives that defined us all, a time in our lives that we will never forget. I can't swear this is exactly how it happens. But this is how It feels"




Who can you trust?