- Everybody’s Fool –

- Everybody’s Fool –

   

“ I have something in my head… that no-one can describe - it's extra terrestrial and outta this world, that's why I'm different and that's why I never try to fit-in, I stand out - I'm one of a kind - always and forever.”

     This blog came to me out of inspiration from a music-video by, Amy Lee, who is known from the band, Evanescence, and the song is called: ‘Everybody’s Fool’. I’ve seen the music-video years ago and never thought anything of it and didn’t understand the meaning behind it because I was so young. Now, after watching the music-video several times and listening to the lyrics – I get it now,  and it scares me… scares me because I see myself in the music-video – watching it is like looking into a mirror – I relate to it and to the entire concept of what is going on in it. How I always have the constant need to please everyone around me. Most people see me for something that I’m not… because of my appearance or something-else… and they expect me to be this person that I’m not. They expect me to be this perfect person, this perfect person that always has to do the right thing and to be this image and this person that I’m not and never will be. It’s like if I make one wrong move… my whole world will fall apart, in their eyes anyway...

     

      I’m tired of being that person, and tired of being seen as that person -  and I’m tired of pretending to be that person… I’m not some fake-robot who is going to live my life by what other people say about me or by doing what other people tell me to do or what other people expect me to do and be… I’m done. Even though I never really went along with it, I’ve always been myself, I’ve always been real - real about who I am and real about how I feel - but for some reason I always end up doing things and end up living my life by other people’s standards and expectations while, deep down, at the same time I know who I am and what I want out of life… and from here on out, just like I have been, I’m going to keep on standing-up for myself as much as I can and take control - because I am who I am and I will not change for anyone. I live my life my way and no-one Is going to take that away from me… I’ve been everybody’s fool for so long… But not this time around - not anymore…

“That never was and never will be… Have you no shame? Don't you see me?
You know you've got everybody fooled.”

 

“Look, here she comes now… Bow down and stare in wonder. Oh how we love you… No flaws when you're pretending.”

“It never was and never will be. You're not real and you can't save me. Somehow now you're everybody's fool.”

And that’s how I feel… especially the line:  “Look, here she comes now… Bow down and stare in wonder. Oh how we love you… No flaws when you're pretending.” That’s how I feel around most of the people in my life… Look here I come now… Oh how they love me - I have to be this perfect person that I’m not just so they can always see this sexed-up image that they want to see when they look at me - when the whole time, inside and out, I’m full of flaws and when they see that… it disappoints them so I keep showing them and giving them what they want – when the whole time I’m hurting inside...

    

[And I’m not talking myself-up here – I’m literally going by what people say to me – how they treat me and what I see and what I have been through with most people. I don’t want to get too personal on here and give exact details – but this is how it is and this is what I go through almost every day.]

Most people think I’m just some dumb-meathead who just goes to the gym or that I’m just some pretty-boy who only cares about how he looks… when the whole time… I’m not – they’re just going by what they want to see. I am the exact opposite of what people take me to be. I have a lot to offer this world and I think that I have proved that with what I write on here. Not that I need to prove myself to anyone - because I don’t – but I just feel that people should start seeing me for who I really am because that’s all that I have been and that’s all that I ever will be... 

   

      I look at myself in the mirror and I see this nice guy, this genuinely nice guy… who’s smart, and who has a lot of wisdom and knowledge about things in the world and about people and about love and so much more. I’m very opinionated but I don’t judge anyone. I treat everyone the way that they should be treated and I treat people the way that they treat me. And all that I ask for is for some respect back and loyalty and trust… Those 3 words right there [trust, respect, and loyalty] - I have tattooed on my forearm in Japanese - because that’s exactly what I expect from people and that’s exactly who I am as a person and that’s what I live by...

TRUST – RESPECT - LOYALTY

I’m a very real person, sometimes too real and too upfront that people get scared of it and accuse me of being fake because maybe they have never been around someone that honest before? – I don’t’ know. I’ve always done my own thing, I am extremely independent and I never do what other people tell me to - even though in the past I have - and I’m paying the consequences for that now... and big time… I surround myself with and attract bad people for some reason and that makes me so angry inside. There are people in my life that watch and examine every move that I make and criticize me for it and criticize everything that I do. I feel like I’m always under a microscope - and that makes me anxious and nervous and belated… and it drives me crazy sometimes. So I am left with nothing else to do but act and be who they want me to be just to get them off my back and make them happy.

These blogs that I have been writing are mostly about my past, even if the past means just last week or just last month - or even yesterday. The point is,  I’m moving on now and letting go... letting go of everything and everyone who is negative around me, no matter who they are. No-one can tell me what to do and tell me how to live my life and no-one can judge me. Only Myself and God can judge me.

<----- thats what THEY want all the time     / thats who I REALLY am ----->

“Love me, hate me, say what you want about me - but can't you see what I see?”

This video by Britney Spears is another great example of how I feel and what I’ve been though in my own life. The song is called: ‘If You Seek Amy’. It’s about living a double-life and how this woman played by Britney Spears has to act like different people to please everyone around her. She goes from house-wife to a sexed-up woman. And the lyrics: “Love me, hate me, say what you want about me - But can't you see what I see? All of the boys and all of the girls are begging to If You Seek Amy” ... IF – YOU – SEEK – AMY… is CODE for ‘FUCK ME’ [it was all over the tabloids/news etc. look it up] – but what the song is saying is that everyone wants to sex this woman up – but will they want to once they know who she really is…” Watch the video!

THIS IS EXACTLY HOW I FEEL MOST OF THE TIME – THIS IS IT RIGHT HERE! [That no-one really listens to what I have to say or wants to really know who I am and what’s on the inside] ->

“And when I tell them how I feel it’s like they hear me – but they’re really not listening… they’re hearing what they want to hear, they’re not really listening to what I’m telling them… and it’s bad and I’m sad…” – Britney Spears/For the record

I’m done with having that constant need to please everyone in my life. That part of my life is over - even though I’m still fighting it every day and dealing with it every day – I’m done. I will beat this and no-one will bring me down with them. I need to just stand-up and fight, fight for what I want and just be who I am as a person and be who I want to be. And if people want to be in my life and appreciate and respect that and who I really am – then they can do that - and if they don’t they can simply fuck off. I’m not dealing with other peoples bullshit anymore. The door is shut on that part of my life. I don’t care if you’re the President or even the Pope – if you don’t respect me then don’t expect me to respect you back. And that’s how I live my life – I give what I get.

“People can take everything away from you
But they can never take away your truth
But the question is..
Can you handle mine?

They say I'm crazy
I really don't care
That's my prerogative
They say I'm nasty
But I don't give a damn
Some ask me questions
Why am I so real?

Trying hard to make it right
Not long ago
Before I won this fight

Everybody's talking all this stuff about me
Why don't they just let me live?
I don't need permission, make my own decisions
That's my prerogative

It's the way that I wanna live (it's my prerogative)
You can’tt tell me what to do

Don't get me wrong
I'm really not souped
Ego trips is not my thing
All these strange relationships really gets me down


Everybody's talking all this stuff about me
Why don't they just let me live?
I don't need permission, make my own decisions
That's my prerogative

why can't I live my life
without all of the things
That people say “

     I don’t want to go into extreme detail with what I have been through with people in my life but as sad as it is… I’ve had [and still do] people tell me how I should dress to who I should be, to who I should date – telling me what makes me happy. And - the saddest thing of all is that these are the same people that tell me that they love me and want to be with me and how they think I’m sexy and unique and how amazing I am and how they never want to let me ago… and then [again] they disappoint me by judging me and watching every move that I make and watch me fall and don’t have any respect for who I am as a person. They don’t show interest in my dreams and in my goals and how I look at life – all they want is that perfect image and to use me to get what they want  - whether their after me because of the way that I look in their eyes or for sex or for whatever other reason. They don’t want to get close and find out what’s on the inside, what’s going on in my mind… they want to control me and use me and pretend to care. And I’m done pretending and I’m done being controlled and I’m done being deceived and disrespected because I’m not… Everybody’s Fool.

“You'd be surprised how interesting people become when they think you're really stupid.” [one of my favorite quotes from one of my favorite movies of all time]  – Disturbing Behavior

People can take everything away from you
But they can never take away your truth