It's a New Year - Part I: [Wonderland: Back in Time] & It's a New Year - Part II: [... Out of Wonderland]

It's a New Year - Part 1: [Wonderland: Back in Time] 

  

"I found myself in Wonderland
Get back on my feet, on the ground
Is this real?
Is this pretend?
I'll take a stand until the end"

I’m back. And it’s a New Year --

     That’s one thing I’ve never done… was set ‘the date’ - set the date of when a New Year begins - or even ends...
     Everyday is a New Year - Everyday is a New Beginning, a fresh start, a "personal-rebirth"… Why wait until the Eve of January 1st for? When all you have to do? Is just wake-up to tomorrow …and let your life and yourself begin again.

     Where have I been all this time? I actually have been doing some time-traveling - traveling through time... I’ve gone back into the past [while “technically/physically” living in the present], but nonetheless, I got the chance to go back in time --
     
I went back in time to a place that I have been avoiding my entire life -- a place that I never understood, a place that I was scared to understand… And now that I’m back in present time? I don’t think that I ever want to go back… at least not back to the deep end.
      You’re probably asking yourself what I’m talking about? Why am I talking about "Time-Travel" for? Lets just say that it’s not exactly how it happened, but it is how it felt…


     [Once again, I try not to get too personal on here or put myself out there too much -- but I believe that that’s what Blogging is all about -- It’s about opening yourself up to a certain extent and sharing your life or life experience/story to make some sort of impact -- hopefully a positive impact on the world or at least on someone.]

Anyway - my point and what I’m trying to get at is that... [and even though I am against labeling myself and other people] - ...I’m a gay dude -- I went from being straight to bisexual to a gay dude - but not your typical gay-dude. Most of the time I feel like I’m a straight guy in a gay guy’s body. I’m not getting into detail or specifics, but all I'm saying is that I haven't changed, I'm still a man and I'm still the same person that I've always been. All being gay is - is liking the same sex as yourself [and no it is not a choice, but I'm cool with it and always have been]. -- So I will end that point there and get to my story... And hopefully you will catch on and understand what I’m talking about because I really can’t get into specific details. That’s one thing I’ve learned  in ‘Wonderland’  ...never say too much -- 


 [Code: ‘WonderLand’ = ‘The Gay World’]

"I'm freaking out Where am I now?
Upside down and I can't stop it now"

"I'll get by
I'll survive
When the world's crashing down
When I fall and hit the ground
I will turn myself around
Don't you try to stop me"

 
It was just my time -- I should have done it years ago when I was younger... I think it would have been best for me back then. That’s what I mean by ‘Time-Travel’ I went to a place that I should have gone to in the past - but instead I waited until my future and here it is now, present-time, and… lets just say that I’ve learned a lot... and sadly enough... That fear that I had? How I was scared to jump into that 'rabbit-hole' before? Scared to enter 'Wonderland'? My fears and concerns and what I was weary about my entire life? Well, Unfortunaley… they all came true ...for the most part anyway. 

[And again, I know I repeat myself in most of my Blogs, but I like to stay firm and clear, but I will not get into specific details… it’s not my place to talk about people and specific places in a Personal Blog that the entire world can see.. So I won’t -- but again just try to understand what I’m acknowledging and talking about here].

     Alice in, Alice in Wonderland, and myself, ironically, relate in so many ways. Even though I’m a dude and she’s a chick, it has nothing to do with that aspect - it all has to do with being human and life-experience -- It's all about entering a New Chapter in your life, a New Beginning, a New World… And that’s exactly what Alice did… She fell down a rabbit- hole to find herself entering this new way of life -- this place that she has always dreamed about going to -- this place that she always wanted to go, but deep down she feared it ...and in the end? It beat her up and chased her out... (at least in the Walt Disney/Movie version it did). And In the updated/recent movie version, directed by, Tim Burton, she went back to Wonderland and fought for who she was and what she believed in and who she wanted to be... she fought and she battled and stood-up for herself and in the end? She won that battle to the death ("fight to the death" - The Godfather) 
     And this whole scenario? This whole fairytale? This book? This movie? This whole 'Alice in Wonderland' ? It’s not a pretend place… it's real -- its called: LIFE… We all have our own versions of the story… our own experiences in new places -- good places, dark places, places that will make a positive impact on our lives and change us forever and for the good, and places that will haunt us and shake our souls, places that we will never want to go back to again, places that we can only dream to go back to again… This is LIFE and what experiencing and living  life is all about...

And once you experience your own Wonderland? Make sure you’ve leaned from it, make sure that before you enter it that you're prepared and ready for it. You can’t be naive... because in the end? Wonderland will win... and you can’t let that happen or you won't survive in life...  -- I didn’t let it happen to me and I won’t ...and I never will.
 
And again - it’s a New Year [a new day] and I’m ready for whats to come. I’m more than ready for it - I’ve waited my entire life to be as strong as I am today... And the fact is that I didn’t wait for it... I built myself to be this way, it just took time and that’s ok - I’m here now...


One of the best episodes of any tv-show, in my opinion, was the show: Felicity, and the episode was a two part episode called: 'Back to the Future' and then 'Time Will Tell' - I think it was the final episode of the series, I can’t remember, but this episode always stood-out to me. It’s all about Time-Travel and going back into the past to change the mistalkes that you’ve made and to see how your life would be if you made different chocies. This episode has the same idea and premesis as the movie: The Butterfly Effect , which is also one of my favorite movies of all time.  [I will try to find a few good scenes from the Felicity episode to share with you when I get the chance and from The Butterfly Effect.]  

 

This whole Time-Traveling notion that I’m talking about so much is just really how my life over the past few months has felt like. I feel like I made a choice to re-live a certain part of my life again and to make a different choice that I should/could have made in the past. And now that I've entered this New Place, this Wonderland... I now have a new perspective on life and how I will live my life from here on out…


 

Part 2: ... Out of Wonderland

 




 "I wouldn't wanna have it any other way
I'm addicted and I just can't get enough
I can't come down so please come help me out
You got me feelin high and I can't step off this cloud"
  When I heard this song, 'Just Can't Get Enough' by Fergie and The Black Eyed Peas,  I instantly connected to it - this song is deep and I like the beat and this song is how I feel about life... I’m addicted and I just can’t get enough. I have such a strong, powerful passion for life, I really do. I’m a very deep person and I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not... - but I’m still here aren’t I?
      I think a lot... sometimes I think too much and it almost destroys me half the time - But I think that’s why I’m a Writer... Writing is my release, writing is my internal- adrenaline that keeps my thoughts moving in and out of me...  its my therapy. Writing is my life… And I feel very fortunate to connect with this part of myself because the reality is? Writing keeps me alive. 
     When times get tough and I feel like there's no way out? This is where I turn to… And even though I always get off topic, just like I am right now… at least I can say that I have a mind, I have a soul, I have a backbone... because that’s another thing that I learned while I was in Wonderland… most people don’t --

[ I know that a lot of my Blogs are dark and I’m not a dark person at all, but unfortunately it’s the darkness that follows me wherever I go... and when I write I feel myself looking back in time and just learning and growing from it all -- ]

"Hey oh hey oh hey

Let’s take the whole world on a ride

It's a new generation...

- Of party people

Now, get on the floor

Get on the floor"

 

This song is what I started my New Years Eve night with and it's been a total inspiration to me and the way that I live my life. This song to me has really nothing to do with dancing. The way that I interpreted the song was that it's about life and how you should approach life. "Let's take the whole world on a ride" ? What that means to me is that it's about being powerful and taking a stand, TAKE THE WHOLE WORLD ON A RIDE, BE A LEADER, NOT A FOLLOWER! Be hard, be tough, be who you really are and you will eventually take the world by storm. And "its a new generation... of party people" means that its a new day, a new year, step it up! Take a stand and have fun, live your life - "the floor" in this song is LIFE, step it up and get on the floor, step it up in life, live life,  your life - "get on the floor!" --

Jennifer Lopez featuring Pit Bull, On The Floor - Track/Music-Video -->

What did I learn now that I’m back and out of Wonderland? - I’ve learned that it’s hard to get close to someone... It’s hard to trust someone and trust people... It's hard to really open-up and let yourself go... because you can get so lost in it all -- get lost in the world -- get lost in people -- get lost in life ---   get lost in 'Wonderland'...

I’ve learned that the world does keep moving though... and you just have to keep on moving with it or you will fall off… And if you do fall off? It’s ok... as long as you find your way back again ...and come back as an even more brave person than before.

Will I ever go back to Wonderland? Ironically -- my answer is: yeah I will. Because all Wonderland is... its a new place and I have a whole life ahead of me with hundreds of new places waiting for me. And also I say: yeah I will,  because I acknowledge that Wonderland is also just a place,  literally just a place, that you can go in and out of... - I will go back to be around the few decent people that I have encountered and hopefully I will encounter more decent people and learn from everyone I do meet in my life... and hopefully at the same time make some new solid-friendships and relationships -- And next time around and the next time I go back? Or the next time I enter a new Wonderland? I'll make sure that I stay away from the deep end... and the dark side of it all.. the deep and dark side of...    My Wonderland --

"I found myself in Wonderland
Get back on my feet, on the ground
Is this real?
Is this pretend?
I'll take a stand until the end
  I'll get by
I'll survive
When the world's crashing down
When I fall and hit the ground
I will turn myself around"

FIREWORK

“The night has come… and we are the simple ones... with simple needs and we won’t go wrong. We chased it all away… and we dance the night away til’ the day comes. She doesn’t want to be here, she doesn’t want to be here… City lights don’t care, but we’re still free here…” - Anthony Delserro Jr., Track: ‘Wanna’




We are the simple ones, with simple needs, we chased it all away, but we’re still free here… Don’t run away, stand up for yourself and stand up for what you believe is right. That’s what life is… standing up for yourself and showing them what you’ve got. Life isn’t easy, but it doesn’t have to be hard either - you make life what you want it to be… You can make life this simple place, a place of peace and tranquility … To get there? To make this happen?… Just fight… fight for what you want and once you get there the road ahead and the road that you’re on will become a much more simple road to walk on… and to live…


I used to be scared to stand up for myself and scared to stand up for what I believed in, but this past year, more than a year, and after all that I’ve been through… I learned that I can’t be scared, I can’t run away… That’s what I did in the past, for most of my life… is run… and I’m sick of running. This is my time now, it’s always been my time and it’s taken me so long to realize that, but I’m here now… Life is yours and yours only. You are the star of your own life… Life is just this one big movie and every heartbreak, every traumatic event, ever good moment... is just a different scene in your movie… But the thing about this movie that is your life? - the biggest thing of all?… is that you are the Director, you get to  call the shots, you get to write what happens next and if you make a mistake? start over and rewrite it… To every story there is said to be a happy ending an end… but I don’t believe that. I’m not saying life can’t be this good and happy thing, because it is and it can be, but what I’m saying is that there is no ending… Life keeps going... things are always changing, and once one thing ends another something else begins, life is a constant spinning carousel and only you can stop it…

“I tried to see how low I could get down to the ground… I tried to earn my way, I tried to tame this mind, you better believe that I’ve tried to beat this. When will this end? it goes on and on, over and over and over again. Keep spinning around, I know it won't stop till I step down from this for good… Here we go now one more time,... this is a sick cycle carousel...” - LifeHouse - Track: 'Sick Cycle Carousel'
















"I never thought I'd end up here, never… thought I'd be standing where I am. I guess I kind of thought it would be easier than this… I guess I was wrong… Here we go now one more time…”

One of the Best Albums! - LifeHouse: 'No Name Face’ - This album has played and has made a huge impact on my life… Every song on the Album is incredible. This album changed my life and still does to this day…

That’s what life is… “a sick cycle carousel” … life keeps moving… and you have to keep moving with it… or else you’re going to fall off… and if you do fall off? which everyone does at one point in time in their lives… you have to get back up… even if you don’t get back up right away, but in your own time… when the moment feels right… get back up on your carousel, your life… and start over again…

The true test of life and what this Blog-Entry is all about is… not being afraid, and as lame as some of my points may be or come off as?…they are the truth, they are the reality, my reality, reality to life. You can’t be scared of life, but at the same time, it’s ok to be scared at times, as long as you eventually fight that fear… and take a stand. Be the powerful force of your life… light the match and fuel the fire… be a Firework and set off… Let what’s inside you, what’s inside your mind and soul,  inside your heart… come out, don’t hide what‘s inside you. Let them see… let the world see who you are, let yourself see who you are. This is my wisdom, this is what I have learned over the years and I’m still learning everyday and I will continue to learn everyday, just like you all do… I’m human just like everyone else and I will make mistakes and that’s what truly makes people who they are (mistakes). That’s what makes me who I am. I am my mistakes, I am the choices that I make and even though some bad things have happened along the way, some difficult hurdles that I had no control over and didn’t choose to happen to me… I still had to make the choice to either let the battles take over me and beat me... or get up and fight them and beat them so that I could clear the air and live and breathe again…






"Do you ever feel already buried deep? Six feet under screams but no one seems to hear a thing? Do you know that there’s still a chance for you? 'Cause there’s a spark in you - You just gotta ignite the light and let it shine. Just own the night like the 4th of July... ‘Cause baby you’re a Firework... Come on and show ‘em what you’re worth..." - Katy Perry, Track: 'FireWork'

“Been so many things when I was someone else… Boxer in the ring - tryin' to defend myself… And the private eye to see what's going on… That's long gone… ” Britney Spears, Track: ‘Unusual You’

And that’s what I’ve done… I let my life become this constant boxing-match, constantly fighting…and letting people and life get the best of me. I have the need to always explain myself and defend myself and now looking back I realize that I don’t need to explain myself to anyone… It’s my life… I don’t have to act or be a certain way, I don’t have to explain my actions and feelings to anyone, but to myself… I’ve learned that what I really need to do is take action, and literally… show them what I’m made of and just be myself and the power within that itself is the flame… ‘the firework’ inside of me and  inside my mind and my soul… they will see who I am and what I’m made of as long as I stay true to myself and be confident in who I am and what I want and how I feel and what I believe in… That’s what being an individual is all about… its what being human truly is all about… it’s about digging into your shoes and keeping firm to the ground and being exactly who you are…



"Tonight we’re going hard, Just like the world is ours... We’re tearin’ it apart, you know we’re superstars.We are who we are! We’ll be forever young, It’s about damn time to live it up, You know we're superstars. We R who we R..."  - Ke$ha



That’s how you have to try and live your life… You have to own the night, own your life and feel like you’re on top of the world, BE on top of the world,  your world, and once you do that and once you feel that way... everyone else around you and in your life will see it in you too…






 "I'm not afraid to take a stand. Everybody come take my hand. We'll walk this road together, through the storm, Whatever weather, cold or warm. Just let you know that you're not alone. Holla if you feel that you've been down the same road..." - Eminem, Track: 'Not Afraid' 

 


 "And I just can't keep living this way. So starting today, I'm breaking out of this cage. I'm standing up, I'm gonna face my demons. I'm man-ing up, I'm gonna hold my ground. I've had enough, now I'm so fed up, Time to put my life back together right now."

And that’s it… that’s all that you have to do… is not be afraid and know that everything is going to be ok. And never let your guard down - always stand up for yourself and stand up for what’s right and what’s true to you. And even though your guard is up… it’s ok to let it down sometimes and let people in… just don’t be naive and know who to trust and once you let them in? Let them see who you are. Let that spark inside you come out… light the flame, set it off... and be a Firework…

"seems like everything’s gonna be fine one day..."

- Everybody’s Fool –

- Everybody’s Fool –

   

“ I have something in my head… that no-one can describe - it's extra terrestrial and outta this world, that's why I'm different and that's why I never try to fit-in, I stand out - I'm one of a kind - always and forever.”

     This blog came to me out of inspiration from a music-video by, Amy Lee, who is known from the band, Evanescence, and the song is called: ‘Everybody’s Fool’. I’ve seen the music-video years ago and never thought anything of it and didn’t understand the meaning behind it because I was so young. Now, after watching the music-video several times and listening to the lyrics – I get it now,  and it scares me… scares me because I see myself in the music-video – watching it is like looking into a mirror – I relate to it and to the entire concept of what is going on in it. How I always have the constant need to please everyone around me. Most people see me for something that I’m not… because of my appearance or something-else… and they expect me to be this person that I’m not. They expect me to be this perfect person, this perfect person that always has to do the right thing and to be this image and this person that I’m not and never will be. It’s like if I make one wrong move… my whole world will fall apart, in their eyes anyway...

     

      I’m tired of being that person, and tired of being seen as that person -  and I’m tired of pretending to be that person… I’m not some fake-robot who is going to live my life by what other people say about me or by doing what other people tell me to do or what other people expect me to do and be… I’m done. Even though I never really went along with it, I’ve always been myself, I’ve always been real - real about who I am and real about how I feel - but for some reason I always end up doing things and end up living my life by other people’s standards and expectations while, deep down, at the same time I know who I am and what I want out of life… and from here on out, just like I have been, I’m going to keep on standing-up for myself as much as I can and take control - because I am who I am and I will not change for anyone. I live my life my way and no-one Is going to take that away from me… I’ve been everybody’s fool for so long… But not this time around - not anymore…

“That never was and never will be… Have you no shame? Don't you see me?
You know you've got everybody fooled.”

 

“Look, here she comes now… Bow down and stare in wonder. Oh how we love you… No flaws when you're pretending.”

“It never was and never will be. You're not real and you can't save me. Somehow now you're everybody's fool.”

And that’s how I feel… especially the line:  “Look, here she comes now… Bow down and stare in wonder. Oh how we love you… No flaws when you're pretending.” That’s how I feel around most of the people in my life… Look here I come now… Oh how they love me - I have to be this perfect person that I’m not just so they can always see this sexed-up image that they want to see when they look at me - when the whole time, inside and out, I’m full of flaws and when they see that… it disappoints them so I keep showing them and giving them what they want – when the whole time I’m hurting inside...

    

[And I’m not talking myself-up here – I’m literally going by what people say to me – how they treat me and what I see and what I have been through with most people. I don’t want to get too personal on here and give exact details – but this is how it is and this is what I go through almost every day.]

Most people think I’m just some dumb-meathead who just goes to the gym or that I’m just some pretty-boy who only cares about how he looks… when the whole time… I’m not – they’re just going by what they want to see. I am the exact opposite of what people take me to be. I have a lot to offer this world and I think that I have proved that with what I write on here. Not that I need to prove myself to anyone - because I don’t – but I just feel that people should start seeing me for who I really am because that’s all that I have been and that’s all that I ever will be... 

   

      I look at myself in the mirror and I see this nice guy, this genuinely nice guy… who’s smart, and who has a lot of wisdom and knowledge about things in the world and about people and about love and so much more. I’m very opinionated but I don’t judge anyone. I treat everyone the way that they should be treated and I treat people the way that they treat me. And all that I ask for is for some respect back and loyalty and trust… Those 3 words right there [trust, respect, and loyalty] - I have tattooed on my forearm in Japanese - because that’s exactly what I expect from people and that’s exactly who I am as a person and that’s what I live by...

TRUST – RESPECT - LOYALTY

I’m a very real person, sometimes too real and too upfront that people get scared of it and accuse me of being fake because maybe they have never been around someone that honest before? – I don’t’ know. I’ve always done my own thing, I am extremely independent and I never do what other people tell me to - even though in the past I have - and I’m paying the consequences for that now... and big time… I surround myself with and attract bad people for some reason and that makes me so angry inside. There are people in my life that watch and examine every move that I make and criticize me for it and criticize everything that I do. I feel like I’m always under a microscope - and that makes me anxious and nervous and belated… and it drives me crazy sometimes. So I am left with nothing else to do but act and be who they want me to be just to get them off my back and make them happy.

These blogs that I have been writing are mostly about my past, even if the past means just last week or just last month - or even yesterday. The point is,  I’m moving on now and letting go... letting go of everything and everyone who is negative around me, no matter who they are. No-one can tell me what to do and tell me how to live my life and no-one can judge me. Only Myself and God can judge me.

<----- thats what THEY want all the time     / thats who I REALLY am ----->

“Love me, hate me, say what you want about me - but can't you see what I see?”

This video by Britney Spears is another great example of how I feel and what I’ve been though in my own life. The song is called: ‘If You Seek Amy’. It’s about living a double-life and how this woman played by Britney Spears has to act like different people to please everyone around her. She goes from house-wife to a sexed-up woman. And the lyrics: “Love me, hate me, say what you want about me - But can't you see what I see? All of the boys and all of the girls are begging to If You Seek Amy” ... IF – YOU – SEEK – AMY… is CODE for ‘FUCK ME’ [it was all over the tabloids/news etc. look it up] – but what the song is saying is that everyone wants to sex this woman up – but will they want to once they know who she really is…” Watch the video!

THIS IS EXACTLY HOW I FEEL MOST OF THE TIME – THIS IS IT RIGHT HERE! [That no-one really listens to what I have to say or wants to really know who I am and what’s on the inside] ->

“And when I tell them how I feel it’s like they hear me – but they’re really not listening… they’re hearing what they want to hear, they’re not really listening to what I’m telling them… and it’s bad and I’m sad…” – Britney Spears/For the record

I’m done with having that constant need to please everyone in my life. That part of my life is over - even though I’m still fighting it every day and dealing with it every day – I’m done. I will beat this and no-one will bring me down with them. I need to just stand-up and fight, fight for what I want and just be who I am as a person and be who I want to be. And if people want to be in my life and appreciate and respect that and who I really am – then they can do that - and if they don’t they can simply fuck off. I’m not dealing with other peoples bullshit anymore. The door is shut on that part of my life. I don’t care if you’re the President or even the Pope – if you don’t respect me then don’t expect me to respect you back. And that’s how I live my life – I give what I get.

“People can take everything away from you
But they can never take away your truth
But the question is..
Can you handle mine?

They say I'm crazy
I really don't care
That's my prerogative
They say I'm nasty
But I don't give a damn
Some ask me questions
Why am I so real?

Trying hard to make it right
Not long ago
Before I won this fight

Everybody's talking all this stuff about me
Why don't they just let me live?
I don't need permission, make my own decisions
That's my prerogative

It's the way that I wanna live (it's my prerogative)
You can’tt tell me what to do

Don't get me wrong
I'm really not souped
Ego trips is not my thing
All these strange relationships really gets me down


Everybody's talking all this stuff about me
Why don't they just let me live?
I don't need permission, make my own decisions
That's my prerogative

why can't I live my life
without all of the things
That people say “

     I don’t want to go into extreme detail with what I have been through with people in my life but as sad as it is… I’ve had [and still do] people tell me how I should dress to who I should be, to who I should date – telling me what makes me happy. And - the saddest thing of all is that these are the same people that tell me that they love me and want to be with me and how they think I’m sexy and unique and how amazing I am and how they never want to let me ago… and then [again] they disappoint me by judging me and watching every move that I make and watch me fall and don’t have any respect for who I am as a person. They don’t show interest in my dreams and in my goals and how I look at life – all they want is that perfect image and to use me to get what they want  - whether their after me because of the way that I look in their eyes or for sex or for whatever other reason. They don’t want to get close and find out what’s on the inside, what’s going on in my mind… they want to control me and use me and pretend to care. And I’m done pretending and I’m done being controlled and I’m done being deceived and disrespected because I’m not… Everybody’s Fool.

“You'd be surprised how interesting people become when they think you're really stupid.” [one of my favorite quotes from one of my favorite movies of all time]  – Disturbing Behavior

People can take everything away from you
But they can never take away your truth

- My happy ending -

- My happy ending –

“I can't tell you what it really is, I can only tell you what it feels like.”

      I’m tired. I’m physically, mentally, and emotionally – …tired. Tired of being/getting disappointed and having people disappoint me and let me down – especially people that I have dated and have been in relationships with – I’m tired. I’m tired of the game - and tired of playing the game – the game of dating and finding someone who’s real. I just want to find that person – that one person that doesn’t let me down – that one person that has my back - while I have theirs. That one person that really means what they say - the one that I won’t have to close the door on – the one that I can say: “I’m in-love with you” to, and actually mean it and feel it. The one that I can trust and have respect for and who can trust and respect me right back. The one that I can keep and who I can say is mine. The one who will be there for me, from the beginning - and through the bad and through the good and until the end. But this time around… I don’t want there to be an end…

     I have to say one thing though - I’ve been very lucky with the relationships in my life – I have, I have dated some amazing people. People who changed me and my life for the good – but then again, they have also have had a negative impact on my life which is why I let them go – but still – I find myself to have been lucky. I’ve dated a lot of people in my life – but as for serious-relationships… I’ve had 4 long-term, serious relationships. I’ve been in-love  3 times – well… at least I thought I have. I’ve had a lot of people that I’ve dated say that they loved me and I have said that I loved them back – but looking back now – I’m not sure if I really did. In the moment, yeah – but, now as I look back at the relationships – I don’t think that I did love them or was in-love with them. I think that there is a big difference from saying I love you to someone to actually being in-love with someone. I’m not saying that I didn’t love them back – I’m just not sure if I was really ever in-love with anyone or if I knew what being in-love was back at the time.

     Again – I’ve been in 4 very serious relationships in my life. The first real relationship, I was 18, and the relationship lasted for 5 months. The 2^nd -  I was 19 and it lasted 1 year and a ½ - The 3^rd - I was 20 and it lasted for 3 years until I was 23, and the last serious relationship that I was in – I was 23 and it lasted about a year and a1/2. The longest relationship that I was in was the one when I was 20 – the one that lasted 3 years,   and I ended up engaged for half of that relationship. The point of me telling you all of this is because of the fact that I’ve been there – I’ve been through it all when it comes to relationships. The hard-times, the good-times, the bad-times, the amazing-times, the times that give you butterflies and chills all over your body, and the times that I was in-love – or at least I thought I was…

      Something always goes wrong. Something about the person that I’m with always disappoints me, something changes and I end up letting them go. I either pack my bags and leave or I tell them how I really feel and that I’m not happy and walk away and leave them. At the time – looking back -  I didn’t do it to be cold or to be cold-hearted – it was just what I needed to do at the time – I needed to do it for myself – I needed to leave -  and that’s all that mattered to me at the moment and at the end – …was my own happiness and if I was happy in the relationship or not – and if I wasn’t… I would leave them – while at the same time,  all that I ever wanted was… my happy ending…

“Don't leave me hanging in a city so dead. Held up so high on such a breakable thread.”

“You were all the things I thought I knew. And I thought we could be.”

“You were everything that I wanted. We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it…”

“It's nice to know that you were there - thanks for acting like you cared.  It's nice to know we had it all - thanks for watching as I fall.”

     That first relationship that I was in when I was 18 – I was just a kid and I was dating someone who was a lot older than me who took advantage of me because I was young, naive and stupid. It wasn’t a bad relationship and I didn’t end things in a bad place. And even though we had our rough times – this relationship actually changed my life and helped me grow-up and helped me become the person that I am today. And looking back at all of my relationships now as an adult – I look back and I realize that I’ve learned something from all of them. I don’t regret anything – but I’ve learned from the past and my past-relationships,  – hearts were broken, mistakes were made – but lessons were learned… and I will never forget any of it…

“You've got your dark friends - I know what they say…They tell you I'm difficult -
But so are they… But they don't know me - Do they even know you?”

     I’m not going to get into detail about every relationship that I have been in – and when I say I was disappointed in the people that I’ve dated,  I mean I was betrayed, not in the sense of being unfaithful – I have never been cheated on and I have never cheated on anyone – but what I mean is that… they changed – and they told me lies and broke promises and turned their backs on me when I needed them the most – and that’s what I mean by how people disappoint me – by not being honest and upfront – not having my back and not having respect for me or being loyal to me in that way.

“Notice me, take my hand… Why are we strangers when

our love is strong?”

      And you’re probably wondering how I couldn’t be in-love with someone who I was engaged to… I did love this person – I did. But over time – things changed – and not even for the worse – we just grew – we grew-up and changed as people. And even though we were engaged  at the time and we are supposed to stay together and work through the hard-times… The fact of the matter was – this person that I was engaged to turned into this dark person – this negative person – into someone that I didn’t know anymore and who I didn’t want to know anymore. This person wasn’t the person that I met and wasn’t the person that I fell for and I just couldn’t take it anyone – I wouldn’t let this person’s negativity bleed into me – so I left. And even thought this person will always have a place in my heart – it wasn’t meant to be and I’m okay with that now. I’ve grown-up and I’ve changed and I want more – … and I won’t settle for just anything and anyone less than that - less than what I deserve and want…

“I love the way you lie.”

     Looking back -, again,  I’ve been very lucky with love and relationships – maybe that’s because I never knew anything different – I’ve always been in a relationship and I don’t know how to be single. And now that I’m single today and have been single for over a year, [I’ve been on some dates, but nothing serious or at least not from my end of it]  – I feel like it’s hard for me to open up and get close with someone now. And now that I’m single - I feel lost because I’ve always been with someone. I don’t need to be with someone and I know I’m young and I know that that person will find me – but sometimes I really think about it... and what it really feels like – and it feels lonely sometimes. I just like being with someone – I do – I like having that someone by my side and having that person experience life with me. And having someone to talk to at night and having someone to tell my dreams to and share my life experiences with . That’s what life is about to me – even though it scares me sometimes – that’s what life is about, sharing it with someone and getting close with someone…

“You ever love somebody so much you can barely breathe
when you’re with them? You meet and neither one of you even know what hit them? Got that warm fuzzy feeling - Yeah them chills – you used to get them.
Now you're getting fuckin' sick of lookin' at them.”

“But when it's bad it's awful - So they say it's best to go your separate ways.”

       I’ve been in some Heated relationships. Intense relationships. Powerful relationships. Passionate relationships – and looking back – I miss that - I do – I miss that a lot… The way we would fight and throw each other up against walls and yell at each other and show each other how much we hated each other while at the same time how much we loved each other and cared for each other… But the real reason that I leave relationships isn’t because of the fights – it’s because of inner-betrayal, what’s going on… on the inside, inside of the mind. When the person that you think you can trust the most… deceives you by turning into someone else – not turning out to be the person that I met… and who doesn’t want to understand me because they’re selfish and scared to get real and get close with me…[I know I have done the same thing in the past, but at least I was upfront about it and told that person how I felt.] And that’s what I want this time around – I want the fighting – the hate, the love and to really be in-love – I want the aggression, the compassion and  this time I want someone to have my back for the long road ahead and stay by my side – take my hand. I want my soul-mate – my best-friend – someone who’s real and who isn’t afraid to be real with me, who understands me, someone who gives me chills, and makes me sweat and who can talk about sex and get intimate and deep with me – I want that... I want that feeling, I want that person, I want it all, I want…  – my happy ending…

 

  

“And no one likes to be alone…”

Yellow Brick Road...

Yellow Brick Road…

What is home anyway? Is it just the place that you live in? Just a building? A structure with 4 walls and a roof up above? The place that keeps you warm at night? The place that you feel the most comfortable and the most safe in? The place where you are surrounded by the people that love you and respect you?  I never really knew what home was…  I thought I did - I thought that some of the places that I lived in felt like home because I either grew-up there or because I was surrounded by a person/ people who said that they loved and respected me - I thought that was home at the time… But I guess I was wrong…

     For most of my young-adult life and for most of my adult life - I have always been in a relationship. Now - for the first time in my life, since I was about 17,  - I’m single and I have been for over a year now. Yeah - I have met some people - I have gone on dates - dated some good people and dated some bad people or people who have disappointed me.  Looking back into the past - I have always had someone to come home to - someone who had my back - someone by my side - and having just that itself felt like home. Now - being single for over a year - I don’t have that -  I don’t come home at night to someone in bed to sleep next to or someone to talk to when I can’t fall asleep or want someone to talk to.  I feel like I should blame myself for that one because – I always seem to close the door – shut the people who love me out of my life so that I won't get hurt – but I'd end up hurting them – but I’m working on that. And the ironic thing about that is... as bad as I want the relationship and for the relationship to work... I'm always the one to end it and run away. And I know I’ve gone off topic with talking about relationships – but I feel like relationships and home are connected in some way. Being single for a year or so now – I’ve grown and I’ve learned from my past mistakes – past relationships – past heartaches and the damage that I have caused.  Now - I come home at night - lay in bed -  and look at the empty space next to me and it doesn’t feel right - something is missing - something feels wrong - this something is different - this something is lost - this feeling - this something…  isn’t home…

[Again - I will talk about and let you in on the relationships that I’ve had and what I’ve been through - what I think about love - but I will do that some other time because it’s a tough topic to talk about  - and relationships and love are a big part of who I am.]

“Love created me - but hatred made me” - I don’t know where I heard that line from - but I thought I would share it with you and I definitely can relate to it so I thought I would put that out there.

I’m not a needy person. I am extremely independent - I know who I am as a person 100% - but there’s just this part of me that likes to be in a relationship and be with someone - but I think that’s just being human - and having a heart.  I just feel like there’s something missing - it’s like I’m a full-puzzle - missing its one piece to make it complete. As lame as that sounds - its how I feel. And I feel like until I have that missing piece - no matter where I go - where I am - and who I’m with - I won’t feel at home without that missing part of me… that missing someone… and that feeling of home.

Home isn’t just a place or a feeling of completeness or to feel whole - but it’s a place to go back to. Even if you don’t know where home is at the moment - everyone has a place that they feel comforted - whether it’s the atmosphere of it all or even just someone that you’re with. Home can be a rock on the beach that you walk to every night and sit on to look at the ocean or to look up at the stars - Home can be the place that you grew-up - Home can be your childhood - your past - being surrounded by your childhood friends. Home can just be a memory - a memory of a place where you’re the most happy.

One of my favorite TV shows to watch as a teenager and still is to this day is: ‘Dawson’s Creek’ which was written and created by Kevin Williamson - who is one of my favorite writers and  is one of the best writers of our time in my opinion. If you don’t know what ‘Dawson’s Creek’ is about - it’s about a group of friends who grow up together and who have each other’s backs while at the same time deceive each other - but in the end… they always come back to each other . They come back to what matters to them the most - which is each other.  They come back to what’s real - come back to what made them who they are as adults… come back to the place where it all started… home…

Down below I’m going to share probably one of the best scenes in television in my opinion. It’s from Dawson’s Creek and  the scene starts in Dawson’s bedroom (Dawson played by James Van Der Beek) and his childhood friend/soul-mate Joey [Joey Potter played by Katie Holmes]. It’s an incredible scene and you will agree or appreciate this scene more if you’ve been a fan of the show over the years. What’s going on here in this scene is Dawson and Joey have just seen each other for the first time after some time has passed after being away at college for so long and over time things change, people change, lives change… But the great theme and point of this scene is that no matter how much time goes by - you can always go back to the people who were there from the beginning and back to the place  that helped make you who you are, back to the place where your life began and back to the place that again feels  like home…

[WATCH FROM 15 SECONDS IN ALL THE WAY TO 4:34]

Joey: "I always wanted to think that you were this hopeless dreamer and I was the adult that escaped. But I didn't escape anything, not really..."

Dawson: "Sure you did. You got out of Capeside. Wasn't that the original plan?"

Joey: "I couldn't escape myself, could I?..."

   This episode is entitled and called: ‘Yellow brick road’  - which was all about saying goodbye to the past - and moving on -  while at the same time going back home to where it all started - ‘coming full circle’.

A good song about this topic of home is a song by Avril Lavigne and the song is called: ‘Nobody’s home.’ Which is about a girl [played by Avril Lavigne in the music-video]  who feels lost and feels like she has no place to go when see needs help or someone to turn to. She feels secluded and isolated, scared… belated…

I’m going to post the music-video on here with some of the lyrics to the song under it for you guys. ->

“Well I couldn't tell you why she felt that way
She felt it everyday
And I couldn't help her
I just watched her make the same mistakes again

What's wrong, what’s wrong now?
Too many, too many problems

She wants to go home, but nobody's home
That's where she lies, broken inside
With no place to go, no place to go

Be strong, be strong now
Too many, too many problems

She wants to go home, but nobody's home
That's where she lies, broken inside
 
Her feelings she hides
Her dreams she can't find
She's losing her mind
She's fallen behind
She can't find her place
She's losing her faith
She's falling from grace
She's all over the place

She wants to go home, but nobody's home
That's where she lies, broken inside"

      I never really knew what home was… until it happened to me. I lived with 3 of my Exes [people I was in serious-relationships with over the years] and I  lived away for college for some time too and everytime something went wrong or didn't work out or if Christmas-break came or summer vacation hit – I went home. I went back to where it all started – where my life began and I went back to the people, back to my childhood-friends and back home to my parents and family who helped make me who I am today… And now that I just moved away again recently – and even though my new apartment doesn’t feel like home yet, and maybe it never will. At least now I know… looking back… I realize that I do have a home… a road to track my steps back in time – back to a place that I feel comforted and safe… back to my beginning… And even though I may feel lost sometimes and alone or get lost along the way – I’m lucky to know that I will always have a place to go… my Yellow Brick Road… my home...

Dawson: It's weird, huh? This room used to be the official meeting place where we'd discuss what happened that day. And now it's just a film set, and I don't even know what happened this year.

Joey: Yeah. I was kind of hoping I could just climb up the ladder and... magically fill in all the lost time.

Dawson: How's that working for you?

Joey: Not so easy.

Dawson: Yeah.

Joey: Maybe I was gone for too long.

Dawson: Well, we'll piece it together between the two of us then, right? The lost year of Dawson and Joey.

Joey: It wasn't easy.

Dawson: What wasn't?

Joey: Not talking to you.

Joey: Maybe being in this room makes it easier. Having it set up this way, you know, I'm so familiar, and... seems insane not to talk. And sometimes the hardest things to say are the things that... really matter.

Dawson: Hmm. Why do you think I've spent years trying to write an entire screenplay about you?

Joey: I read it in one sitting.

Dawson: Ok. I hope you don't think that I gave it to you so that you could just say all the obligatory nice things.

Joey: And why would I feel obligated?

Dawson: Exactly, because if I can't get an honest opinion from the girl who loathes me more than anyone else in the world, who can I trust, right?

Joey: You've always been this devilishly clever.

Dawson: Well... yeah. But... uh, I got--I got-- I wanted you to read it because... well, you're really the only person in the world who can tell me if I got it right this time.

Joey: You grew up, Dawson. You grew up. I always wanted to think that you were this hopeless dreamer and I was the adult that escaped. But I didn't escape anything, not really.

Dawson: Sure you did. You got out of Capeside. Wasn't that the original plan?

Joey: I couldn't escape myself, could I? You were right. So much of what I was fighting was growing up. And I figured out this past year that it's hard for me... to talk about sex, to talk about... getting close with someone. And maybe... I'm not supposed to lose myself. Now it's not part of the plan. But then again, I never thought that losing you was part of the plan, either.

Dawson: I think sometimes... you have to lose somebody completely before you can figure out what they really mean to you. I missed you, Jo.

Joey: You got it right this time, Dawson. I missed us.

“A house doesn't make a home.”