- My happy ending -

- My happy ending –

“I can't tell you what it really is, I can only tell you what it feels like.”

      I’m tired. I’m physically, mentally, and emotionally – …tired. Tired of being/getting disappointed and having people disappoint me and let me down – especially people that I have dated and have been in relationships with – I’m tired. I’m tired of the game - and tired of playing the game – the game of dating and finding someone who’s real. I just want to find that person – that one person that doesn’t let me down – that one person that has my back - while I have theirs. That one person that really means what they say - the one that I won’t have to close the door on – the one that I can say: “I’m in-love with you” to, and actually mean it and feel it. The one that I can trust and have respect for and who can trust and respect me right back. The one that I can keep and who I can say is mine. The one who will be there for me, from the beginning - and through the bad and through the good and until the end. But this time around… I don’t want there to be an end…

     I have to say one thing though - I’ve been very lucky with the relationships in my life – I have, I have dated some amazing people. People who changed me and my life for the good – but then again, they have also have had a negative impact on my life which is why I let them go – but still – I find myself to have been lucky. I’ve dated a lot of people in my life – but as for serious-relationships… I’ve had 4 long-term, serious relationships. I’ve been in-love  3 times – well… at least I thought I have. I’ve had a lot of people that I’ve dated say that they loved me and I have said that I loved them back – but looking back now – I’m not sure if I really did. In the moment, yeah – but, now as I look back at the relationships – I don’t think that I did love them or was in-love with them. I think that there is a big difference from saying I love you to someone to actually being in-love with someone. I’m not saying that I didn’t love them back – I’m just not sure if I was really ever in-love with anyone or if I knew what being in-love was back at the time.

     Again – I’ve been in 4 very serious relationships in my life. The first real relationship, I was 18, and the relationship lasted for 5 months. The 2^nd -  I was 19 and it lasted 1 year and a ½ - The 3^rd - I was 20 and it lasted for 3 years until I was 23, and the last serious relationship that I was in – I was 23 and it lasted about a year and a1/2. The longest relationship that I was in was the one when I was 20 – the one that lasted 3 years,   and I ended up engaged for half of that relationship. The point of me telling you all of this is because of the fact that I’ve been there – I’ve been through it all when it comes to relationships. The hard-times, the good-times, the bad-times, the amazing-times, the times that give you butterflies and chills all over your body, and the times that I was in-love – or at least I thought I was…

      Something always goes wrong. Something about the person that I’m with always disappoints me, something changes and I end up letting them go. I either pack my bags and leave or I tell them how I really feel and that I’m not happy and walk away and leave them. At the time – looking back -  I didn’t do it to be cold or to be cold-hearted – it was just what I needed to do at the time – I needed to do it for myself – I needed to leave -  and that’s all that mattered to me at the moment and at the end – …was my own happiness and if I was happy in the relationship or not – and if I wasn’t… I would leave them – while at the same time,  all that I ever wanted was… my happy ending…

“Don't leave me hanging in a city so dead. Held up so high on such a breakable thread.”

“You were all the things I thought I knew. And I thought we could be.”

“You were everything that I wanted. We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it…”

“It's nice to know that you were there - thanks for acting like you cared.  It's nice to know we had it all - thanks for watching as I fall.”

     That first relationship that I was in when I was 18 – I was just a kid and I was dating someone who was a lot older than me who took advantage of me because I was young, naive and stupid. It wasn’t a bad relationship and I didn’t end things in a bad place. And even though we had our rough times – this relationship actually changed my life and helped me grow-up and helped me become the person that I am today. And looking back at all of my relationships now as an adult – I look back and I realize that I’ve learned something from all of them. I don’t regret anything – but I’ve learned from the past and my past-relationships,  – hearts were broken, mistakes were made – but lessons were learned… and I will never forget any of it…

“You've got your dark friends - I know what they say…They tell you I'm difficult -
But so are they… But they don't know me - Do they even know you?”

     I’m not going to get into detail about every relationship that I have been in – and when I say I was disappointed in the people that I’ve dated,  I mean I was betrayed, not in the sense of being unfaithful – I have never been cheated on and I have never cheated on anyone – but what I mean is that… they changed – and they told me lies and broke promises and turned their backs on me when I needed them the most – and that’s what I mean by how people disappoint me – by not being honest and upfront – not having my back and not having respect for me or being loyal to me in that way.

“Notice me, take my hand… Why are we strangers when

our love is strong?”

      And you’re probably wondering how I couldn’t be in-love with someone who I was engaged to… I did love this person – I did. But over time – things changed – and not even for the worse – we just grew – we grew-up and changed as people. And even though we were engaged  at the time and we are supposed to stay together and work through the hard-times… The fact of the matter was – this person that I was engaged to turned into this dark person – this negative person – into someone that I didn’t know anymore and who I didn’t want to know anymore. This person wasn’t the person that I met and wasn’t the person that I fell for and I just couldn’t take it anyone – I wouldn’t let this person’s negativity bleed into me – so I left. And even thought this person will always have a place in my heart – it wasn’t meant to be and I’m okay with that now. I’ve grown-up and I’ve changed and I want more – … and I won’t settle for just anything and anyone less than that - less than what I deserve and want…

“I love the way you lie.”

     Looking back -, again,  I’ve been very lucky with love and relationships – maybe that’s because I never knew anything different – I’ve always been in a relationship and I don’t know how to be single. And now that I’m single today and have been single for over a year, [I’ve been on some dates, but nothing serious or at least not from my end of it]  – I feel like it’s hard for me to open up and get close with someone now. And now that I’m single - I feel lost because I’ve always been with someone. I don’t need to be with someone and I know I’m young and I know that that person will find me – but sometimes I really think about it... and what it really feels like – and it feels lonely sometimes. I just like being with someone – I do – I like having that someone by my side and having that person experience life with me. And having someone to talk to at night and having someone to tell my dreams to and share my life experiences with . That’s what life is about to me – even though it scares me sometimes – that’s what life is about, sharing it with someone and getting close with someone…

“You ever love somebody so much you can barely breathe
when you’re with them? You meet and neither one of you even know what hit them? Got that warm fuzzy feeling - Yeah them chills – you used to get them.
Now you're getting fuckin' sick of lookin' at them.”

“But when it's bad it's awful - So they say it's best to go your separate ways.”

       I’ve been in some Heated relationships. Intense relationships. Powerful relationships. Passionate relationships – and looking back – I miss that - I do – I miss that a lot… The way we would fight and throw each other up against walls and yell at each other and show each other how much we hated each other while at the same time how much we loved each other and cared for each other… But the real reason that I leave relationships isn’t because of the fights – it’s because of inner-betrayal, what’s going on… on the inside, inside of the mind. When the person that you think you can trust the most… deceives you by turning into someone else – not turning out to be the person that I met… and who doesn’t want to understand me because they’re selfish and scared to get real and get close with me…[I know I have done the same thing in the past, but at least I was upfront about it and told that person how I felt.] And that’s what I want this time around – I want the fighting – the hate, the love and to really be in-love – I want the aggression, the compassion and  this time I want someone to have my back for the long road ahead and stay by my side – take my hand. I want my soul-mate – my best-friend – someone who’s real and who isn’t afraid to be real with me, who understands me, someone who gives me chills, and makes me sweat and who can talk about sex and get intimate and deep with me – I want that... I want that feeling, I want that person, I want it all, I want…  – my happy ending…

 

  

“And no one likes to be alone…”