Yellow Brick Road...

Yellow Brick Road…

What is home anyway? Is it just the place that you live in? Just a building? A structure with 4 walls and a roof up above? The place that keeps you warm at night? The place that you feel the most comfortable and the most safe in? The place where you are surrounded by the people that love you and respect you?  I never really knew what home was…  I thought I did - I thought that some of the places that I lived in felt like home because I either grew-up there or because I was surrounded by a person/ people who said that they loved and respected me - I thought that was home at the time… But I guess I was wrong…

     For most of my young-adult life and for most of my adult life - I have always been in a relationship. Now - for the first time in my life, since I was about 17,  - I’m single and I have been for over a year now. Yeah - I have met some people - I have gone on dates - dated some good people and dated some bad people or people who have disappointed me.  Looking back into the past - I have always had someone to come home to - someone who had my back - someone by my side - and having just that itself felt like home. Now - being single for over a year - I don’t have that -  I don’t come home at night to someone in bed to sleep next to or someone to talk to when I can’t fall asleep or want someone to talk to.  I feel like I should blame myself for that one because – I always seem to close the door – shut the people who love me out of my life so that I won't get hurt – but I'd end up hurting them – but I’m working on that. And the ironic thing about that is... as bad as I want the relationship and for the relationship to work... I'm always the one to end it and run away. And I know I’ve gone off topic with talking about relationships – but I feel like relationships and home are connected in some way. Being single for a year or so now – I’ve grown and I’ve learned from my past mistakes – past relationships – past heartaches and the damage that I have caused.  Now - I come home at night - lay in bed -  and look at the empty space next to me and it doesn’t feel right - something is missing - something feels wrong - this something is different - this something is lost - this feeling - this something…  isn’t home…

[Again - I will talk about and let you in on the relationships that I’ve had and what I’ve been through - what I think about love - but I will do that some other time because it’s a tough topic to talk about  - and relationships and love are a big part of who I am.]

“Love created me - but hatred made me” - I don’t know where I heard that line from - but I thought I would share it with you and I definitely can relate to it so I thought I would put that out there.

I’m not a needy person. I am extremely independent - I know who I am as a person 100% - but there’s just this part of me that likes to be in a relationship and be with someone - but I think that’s just being human - and having a heart.  I just feel like there’s something missing - it’s like I’m a full-puzzle - missing its one piece to make it complete. As lame as that sounds - its how I feel. And I feel like until I have that missing piece - no matter where I go - where I am - and who I’m with - I won’t feel at home without that missing part of me… that missing someone… and that feeling of home.

Home isn’t just a place or a feeling of completeness or to feel whole - but it’s a place to go back to. Even if you don’t know where home is at the moment - everyone has a place that they feel comforted - whether it’s the atmosphere of it all or even just someone that you’re with. Home can be a rock on the beach that you walk to every night and sit on to look at the ocean or to look up at the stars - Home can be the place that you grew-up - Home can be your childhood - your past - being surrounded by your childhood friends. Home can just be a memory - a memory of a place where you’re the most happy.

One of my favorite TV shows to watch as a teenager and still is to this day is: ‘Dawson’s Creek’ which was written and created by Kevin Williamson - who is one of my favorite writers and  is one of the best writers of our time in my opinion. If you don’t know what ‘Dawson’s Creek’ is about - it’s about a group of friends who grow up together and who have each other’s backs while at the same time deceive each other - but in the end… they always come back to each other . They come back to what matters to them the most - which is each other.  They come back to what’s real - come back to what made them who they are as adults… come back to the place where it all started… home…

Down below I’m going to share probably one of the best scenes in television in my opinion. It’s from Dawson’s Creek and  the scene starts in Dawson’s bedroom (Dawson played by James Van Der Beek) and his childhood friend/soul-mate Joey [Joey Potter played by Katie Holmes]. It’s an incredible scene and you will agree or appreciate this scene more if you’ve been a fan of the show over the years. What’s going on here in this scene is Dawson and Joey have just seen each other for the first time after some time has passed after being away at college for so long and over time things change, people change, lives change… But the great theme and point of this scene is that no matter how much time goes by - you can always go back to the people who were there from the beginning and back to the place  that helped make you who you are, back to the place where your life began and back to the place that again feels  like home…

[WATCH FROM 15 SECONDS IN ALL THE WAY TO 4:34]

Joey: "I always wanted to think that you were this hopeless dreamer and I was the adult that escaped. But I didn't escape anything, not really..."

Dawson: "Sure you did. You got out of Capeside. Wasn't that the original plan?"

Joey: "I couldn't escape myself, could I?..."

   This episode is entitled and called: ‘Yellow brick road’  - which was all about saying goodbye to the past - and moving on -  while at the same time going back home to where it all started - ‘coming full circle’.

A good song about this topic of home is a song by Avril Lavigne and the song is called: ‘Nobody’s home.’ Which is about a girl [played by Avril Lavigne in the music-video]  who feels lost and feels like she has no place to go when see needs help or someone to turn to. She feels secluded and isolated, scared… belated…

I’m going to post the music-video on here with some of the lyrics to the song under it for you guys. ->

“Well I couldn't tell you why she felt that way
She felt it everyday
And I couldn't help her
I just watched her make the same mistakes again

What's wrong, what’s wrong now?
Too many, too many problems

She wants to go home, but nobody's home
That's where she lies, broken inside
With no place to go, no place to go

Be strong, be strong now
Too many, too many problems

She wants to go home, but nobody's home
That's where she lies, broken inside
 
Her feelings she hides
Her dreams she can't find
She's losing her mind
She's fallen behind
She can't find her place
She's losing her faith
She's falling from grace
She's all over the place

She wants to go home, but nobody's home
That's where she lies, broken inside"

      I never really knew what home was… until it happened to me. I lived with 3 of my Exes [people I was in serious-relationships with over the years] and I  lived away for college for some time too and everytime something went wrong or didn't work out or if Christmas-break came or summer vacation hit – I went home. I went back to where it all started – where my life began and I went back to the people, back to my childhood-friends and back home to my parents and family who helped make me who I am today… And now that I just moved away again recently – and even though my new apartment doesn’t feel like home yet, and maybe it never will. At least now I know… looking back… I realize that I do have a home… a road to track my steps back in time – back to a place that I feel comforted and safe… back to my beginning… And even though I may feel lost sometimes and alone or get lost along the way – I’m lucky to know that I will always have a place to go… my Yellow Brick Road… my home...

Dawson: It's weird, huh? This room used to be the official meeting place where we'd discuss what happened that day. And now it's just a film set, and I don't even know what happened this year.

Joey: Yeah. I was kind of hoping I could just climb up the ladder and... magically fill in all the lost time.

Dawson: How's that working for you?

Joey: Not so easy.

Dawson: Yeah.

Joey: Maybe I was gone for too long.

Dawson: Well, we'll piece it together between the two of us then, right? The lost year of Dawson and Joey.

Joey: It wasn't easy.

Dawson: What wasn't?

Joey: Not talking to you.

Joey: Maybe being in this room makes it easier. Having it set up this way, you know, I'm so familiar, and... seems insane not to talk. And sometimes the hardest things to say are the things that... really matter.

Dawson: Hmm. Why do you think I've spent years trying to write an entire screenplay about you?

Joey: I read it in one sitting.

Dawson: Ok. I hope you don't think that I gave it to you so that you could just say all the obligatory nice things.

Joey: And why would I feel obligated?

Dawson: Exactly, because if I can't get an honest opinion from the girl who loathes me more than anyone else in the world, who can I trust, right?

Joey: You've always been this devilishly clever.

Dawson: Well... yeah. But... uh, I got--I got-- I wanted you to read it because... well, you're really the only person in the world who can tell me if I got it right this time.

Joey: You grew up, Dawson. You grew up. I always wanted to think that you were this hopeless dreamer and I was the adult that escaped. But I didn't escape anything, not really.

Dawson: Sure you did. You got out of Capeside. Wasn't that the original plan?

Joey: I couldn't escape myself, could I? You were right. So much of what I was fighting was growing up. And I figured out this past year that it's hard for me... to talk about sex, to talk about... getting close with someone. And maybe... I'm not supposed to lose myself. Now it's not part of the plan. But then again, I never thought that losing you was part of the plan, either.

Dawson: I think sometimes... you have to lose somebody completely before you can figure out what they really mean to you. I missed you, Jo.

Joey: You got it right this time, Dawson. I missed us.

“A house doesn't make a home.”